Complicated
Things have been tough around here lately. Mom is having a stress reaction and I'm not sure how to handle it. The fact that I have to admit that is galling. I've been "handling" my mother for as long as I can remember. She usually keeps to a fairly predictable pattern and when things get out of hand I have the tools to cut off any real badness.
Not this time.
There seems to be a combination of her worsening mental state, an ineffective drug cocktail and what appears to be dementia. (I kid about the dementia. Sort of.) Mom is manageable as long as whatever the psychiatrist is giving her is working properly. The idea is that she can handle rough situations without slipping too much. Sure, she has bouts of behaviors that I complain about, but it's nothing compared to what she's like when she's not medicated and destructive.
I'm not qualified to handle this.
She's forgetting EVERYTHING. We'll have the same conversation three times in a row. This weekend we had a blow-up over mail that she accused me of tossing out, only to remember hours later, after much prompting, that she mailed it the day before.
Sleepwalking is becoming an issue. Mom eats in her sleep. I'm actually considering taking the nobs off the gas stove before bed so that she can't accidentally do something we'll all regret.
Have you ever chatted with someone and you just know that they aren't all there? Like their mind has wandered or what you're saying isn't making sense? That's what it's like speaking with her lately.
For all of the smack I talk about my mom she hasn't been like this in years. The last time she was this bad she went on an bender and she cracked. When I say she cracked..... She held me at gunpoint for hours threatening to kill me. I'm pretty sure that if the gun hadn't been loaded and I hadn't hidden the bullets months before I'd be dead. I left home after that.
None of that matters, now, except it would probably explain why I'm so tough on her. I'm not very good at letting go.
I've approached Mom about her medication not working. She didn't respond well to the chat at all. We both know that if the medication isn't working the doctor will want to hospital her temporarily until he's able to get everything sorted out.
I thought that tomorrow was going to be her court hearing. Apparently it's her arraignment. They had postponed the arraignment last month so that she could get a lawyer. This means that she'll have another month, or so, of not knowing what's going to happen and that will only compound her stress.
Adam has zero experience with anything like this. Zero. He's freaking out. My light-hearted bitching about Mom via text is met with sincere worry and offers to rush home and protect me. That upsets me. I don't want him concerned about anything else.
This whole situation is sort of darkly funny. What is it about me being pregnant that makes the people around me become potentially harmful and stress-inducing?! Sure, there's no such thing as a "normal" pregnancy, but I had high hopes.
I'm not sure if I should be grateful or horrified that this is going on. I've got to put so much energy in to Mom that I don't have time to deal with my pregnancy and motherhood fears. Sure, my brain still addresses it and I'm having vivid nightmares and losing sleep, but oh well..
And there you have it. I'm not even sure it makes sense, but I can't keep it inside. It will only fester.
Not this time.
There seems to be a combination of her worsening mental state, an ineffective drug cocktail and what appears to be dementia. (I kid about the dementia. Sort of.) Mom is manageable as long as whatever the psychiatrist is giving her is working properly. The idea is that she can handle rough situations without slipping too much. Sure, she has bouts of behaviors that I complain about, but it's nothing compared to what she's like when she's not medicated and destructive.
I'm not qualified to handle this.
She's forgetting EVERYTHING. We'll have the same conversation three times in a row. This weekend we had a blow-up over mail that she accused me of tossing out, only to remember hours later, after much prompting, that she mailed it the day before.
Sleepwalking is becoming an issue. Mom eats in her sleep. I'm actually considering taking the nobs off the gas stove before bed so that she can't accidentally do something we'll all regret.
Have you ever chatted with someone and you just know that they aren't all there? Like their mind has wandered or what you're saying isn't making sense? That's what it's like speaking with her lately.
For all of the smack I talk about my mom she hasn't been like this in years. The last time she was this bad she went on an bender and she cracked. When I say she cracked..... She held me at gunpoint for hours threatening to kill me. I'm pretty sure that if the gun hadn't been loaded and I hadn't hidden the bullets months before I'd be dead. I left home after that.
None of that matters, now, except it would probably explain why I'm so tough on her. I'm not very good at letting go.
I've approached Mom about her medication not working. She didn't respond well to the chat at all. We both know that if the medication isn't working the doctor will want to hospital her temporarily until he's able to get everything sorted out.
I thought that tomorrow was going to be her court hearing. Apparently it's her arraignment. They had postponed the arraignment last month so that she could get a lawyer. This means that she'll have another month, or so, of not knowing what's going to happen and that will only compound her stress.
Adam has zero experience with anything like this. Zero. He's freaking out. My light-hearted bitching about Mom via text is met with sincere worry and offers to rush home and protect me. That upsets me. I don't want him concerned about anything else.
This whole situation is sort of darkly funny. What is it about me being pregnant that makes the people around me become potentially harmful and stress-inducing?! Sure, there's no such thing as a "normal" pregnancy, but I had high hopes.
I'm not sure if I should be grateful or horrified that this is going on. I've got to put so much energy in to Mom that I don't have time to deal with my pregnancy and motherhood fears. Sure, my brain still addresses it and I'm having vivid nightmares and losing sleep, but oh well..
And there you have it. I'm not even sure it makes sense, but I can't keep it inside. It will only fester.
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