Not all journeys are physical
It's March, now, and I gave UnPlanning a try. I'm not going to lie, it was cathartic to let everything simply happen and roll with it for a while. But, as things do, I started to lose track of what I was responsible for and I got off track. So, modifications were in order. I've created a balance between UnPlanning my life as whole and creating structure for my day. It's better. I'm living in the present moment, but that moment has a list of things I need to accomplish. At the end of the day I'm a parent and a partner and people rely on me to have my shit together.
I've spent a lot of time facing myself. Honestly evaluating my weakness and accepting them. Instead of making excuses for them. It's all a journey, you know? My good, my bad, my really ugly - they all matter.
At the beginning of the year I put a lot of personal emphasis on "Be Kind. Be Brave." For me, being kind is far easier than being brave. The structure of my life lends more opportunity to be kind than to be brave. I can smile at strangers, hold a door, send a thoughtful message to a friend, make a favorite meal all without really disrupting my life. I care about people. Putting someone else first is almost like breathing and I feel better about myself when I don't drag other people down on my rough days. Because we all have them.
It's easy to confuse Bravery with Adventure. I know that I do, often. This last week I've been shaking myself up and redefining bravery for myself. The bravest thing I can do in the life that I have is live as me. Not as the idea of who I want to be, or who people think me to be, but just Me.
Eventually I would like bravery to include adventure. I recognize that I do enjoy new experiences and I love a good story. You can't have a fun story if you never leave your comfort zone. Now is one of those times to stay in my bubble while I get to know myself a little better.
Bravery is writing these entries again. Being honest about what I'm experiencing. Trying not to judge or filter myself because it might help some random person surfing the internet.
I can't count the amount of times I've searched for something to guide me in a rough moment and stumbled across the description of someone else's journey and it spoke to me. Gave me hope or a new direction. And I would move on with my life, with that piece of someone else inside me and never say anything on the journal because it was years old, or I felt silly, or it was the middle of the night and if I posted something they'd know that Insomnia had a huge part to play in my reaction and maybe, somehow, lesson the impact of my gratitude for them.
I'm lucky because I know that I have the time to break myself down. The space to feel out my new skin, as it were. I may have taken a path I didn't even know was available to me, but it's afforded me a freedom to develop my spiritual self with abandon. Moving up the energy food chain, I guess.
I went through old journals yesterday. Ten years of insecurity and indecision. Of letting my emotions make mistakes for me. Allowing outside circumstances change my direction. Willingly abandoning my dreams for stability. Lying blame at the feet of bystanders.
It was humbling. A little humiliating, really. To know that I was such an arrogant shit without any reason or cause to back up my feelings of Ego. I've done just enough in my life to not starve and I stumbled across becoming a decent person, but that's about it.
I'm going to be forty this year. In a few months, actually. It's going to happen and I'm going to be at my mid-life mark (give or take) and the absolute best thing I'll be able to say about my life is that I care. And I finally got some boundaries. And some self-esteem. A lot of love.
Ten years ago, that small little stack of victories would've sent me into a tailspin. Today? I think that's amazing.
I let life blow me around like a dandelion seed - and I probably always will - but instead of fighting every step of the way, I am ready to see where the wind takes me.
I've spent a lot of time facing myself. Honestly evaluating my weakness and accepting them. Instead of making excuses for them. It's all a journey, you know? My good, my bad, my really ugly - they all matter.
At the beginning of the year I put a lot of personal emphasis on "Be Kind. Be Brave." For me, being kind is far easier than being brave. The structure of my life lends more opportunity to be kind than to be brave. I can smile at strangers, hold a door, send a thoughtful message to a friend, make a favorite meal all without really disrupting my life. I care about people. Putting someone else first is almost like breathing and I feel better about myself when I don't drag other people down on my rough days. Because we all have them.
It's easy to confuse Bravery with Adventure. I know that I do, often. This last week I've been shaking myself up and redefining bravery for myself. The bravest thing I can do in the life that I have is live as me. Not as the idea of who I want to be, or who people think me to be, but just Me.
Eventually I would like bravery to include adventure. I recognize that I do enjoy new experiences and I love a good story. You can't have a fun story if you never leave your comfort zone. Now is one of those times to stay in my bubble while I get to know myself a little better.
Bravery is writing these entries again. Being honest about what I'm experiencing. Trying not to judge or filter myself because it might help some random person surfing the internet.
I can't count the amount of times I've searched for something to guide me in a rough moment and stumbled across the description of someone else's journey and it spoke to me. Gave me hope or a new direction. And I would move on with my life, with that piece of someone else inside me and never say anything on the journal because it was years old, or I felt silly, or it was the middle of the night and if I posted something they'd know that Insomnia had a huge part to play in my reaction and maybe, somehow, lesson the impact of my gratitude for them.
I'm lucky because I know that I have the time to break myself down. The space to feel out my new skin, as it were. I may have taken a path I didn't even know was available to me, but it's afforded me a freedom to develop my spiritual self with abandon. Moving up the energy food chain, I guess.
I went through old journals yesterday. Ten years of insecurity and indecision. Of letting my emotions make mistakes for me. Allowing outside circumstances change my direction. Willingly abandoning my dreams for stability. Lying blame at the feet of bystanders.
It was humbling. A little humiliating, really. To know that I was such an arrogant shit without any reason or cause to back up my feelings of Ego. I've done just enough in my life to not starve and I stumbled across becoming a decent person, but that's about it.
I'm going to be forty this year. In a few months, actually. It's going to happen and I'm going to be at my mid-life mark (give or take) and the absolute best thing I'll be able to say about my life is that I care. And I finally got some boundaries. And some self-esteem. A lot of love.
Ten years ago, that small little stack of victories would've sent me into a tailspin. Today? I think that's amazing.
I let life blow me around like a dandelion seed - and I probably always will - but instead of fighting every step of the way, I am ready to see where the wind takes me.
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