Distraction Techniques
Yesterday Adam and I joined the local library. It is a new building, a part of a larger branch system, which, on first glance, seems empty and almost sad. The shelves were curiously neat and nearly blank. There were large gaps where my little reading heart knew books should be. Despite the limited look of the shiny new library, we procured cards and checked out a few books. Lately I have been reading almost constantly. I am averaging a book a day, but, admittedly, reading romance novels isn’t much of a challenge. The library offered me the opportunity to pick books at whim and I am looking forward to feeling well-read.
As a child I was a reader. I wasn’t much else. I can remember holidays spent opening package after package of books and being genuinely excited every time. In fact, I don’t believe I received a toy after the age of seven. There was no point. My room was always packed and stacked with reading material. I was shameless. I would read classics as well as Young Adult series with the same eager determination. I just wanted to read. I would get lost in words and worlds and I didn’t care if the real world passed me by.
Today and tomorrow are going to be hard. Last night was awful. I couldn’t sleep. I tossed and turned, crying in to my pillow, until nearly three this morning. It was pathetic. I have managed to keep myself from playing the “What If” game until last night. Last night I was searching for answers to questions that will never have answers. It really just boiled down to I miss my baby. I miss her so much. She should have been in my arms yesterday. She should have been in the cart while we shopped for food we have no interest in eating. Mazzy would have enjoyed opening the presents from my family up north.
That line of thinking gave way to other lines of thinking and the tears would come and *poof* there went my ability to sleep. Adam was struggling with the same thoughts. We lay with one another on the couch, holding each other and reassuring one another that we did everything we could have done. It is all we have. Words and reassurances.
There isn’t much that we can do to salvage this holiday. Mazzy was our only focus, so we didn’t even attempt to buy one another gifts. She died the weekend Jonah moved out, so we couldn’t even decorate the house. We even told family and friends only to focus on Mazzy. Money is tight everywhere and we didn’t want her to miss out. Every stupid thing we did was weighed against whether or not it would benefit Mazzy.
Adam is watching Bond while I read and I guess that is how we are going to pass the next few days. I focus on the strength I need to get through my day and hope that it will be enough.
As a child I was a reader. I wasn’t much else. I can remember holidays spent opening package after package of books and being genuinely excited every time. In fact, I don’t believe I received a toy after the age of seven. There was no point. My room was always packed and stacked with reading material. I was shameless. I would read classics as well as Young Adult series with the same eager determination. I just wanted to read. I would get lost in words and worlds and I didn’t care if the real world passed me by.
Today and tomorrow are going to be hard. Last night was awful. I couldn’t sleep. I tossed and turned, crying in to my pillow, until nearly three this morning. It was pathetic. I have managed to keep myself from playing the “What If” game until last night. Last night I was searching for answers to questions that will never have answers. It really just boiled down to I miss my baby. I miss her so much. She should have been in my arms yesterday. She should have been in the cart while we shopped for food we have no interest in eating. Mazzy would have enjoyed opening the presents from my family up north.
That line of thinking gave way to other lines of thinking and the tears would come and *poof* there went my ability to sleep. Adam was struggling with the same thoughts. We lay with one another on the couch, holding each other and reassuring one another that we did everything we could have done. It is all we have. Words and reassurances.
There isn’t much that we can do to salvage this holiday. Mazzy was our only focus, so we didn’t even attempt to buy one another gifts. She died the weekend Jonah moved out, so we couldn’t even decorate the house. We even told family and friends only to focus on Mazzy. Money is tight everywhere and we didn’t want her to miss out. Every stupid thing we did was weighed against whether or not it would benefit Mazzy.
Adam is watching Bond while I read and I guess that is how we are going to pass the next few days. I focus on the strength I need to get through my day and hope that it will be enough.
Comments