Self-love is the good love, baby
Life happens, sometimes, and it is like nothing happened at all. Every day is a variation of the day before. I clean, read, watch TV, dance and sing every day, just in a different order. I have friendships and conversations and moments, but nothing that really makes an impact. So much of my growth and experience right now is internal. Emotional. I am doing all of my changing on the inside. How do you type that out? How do you share that without taking a trip so far back that only a book will be able to tell the whole story?
That is what I am facing these days. I have so much to say, but nothing quick and easy. I watch the news, but my brain processes only things that make me mad. I live my life, but there aren't any funny anecdotes that I can jot down to tell you. Everything that is important boils down to short conversations and long looks between me and Adam. It is stupid.
I can say that I am stronger (this week). I feel positive about tomorrow.
My mom is trying so hard to fit in, but Adam and I aren't really looking for a family right now. It is causing tension because she is desperate for something we can't offer her. Mom is missing family meals and chats and Adam and I are like ghosts in our own house. We glide through, doing what needs to be done, but if we are uncomfortable or unwilling to do something, we just don't. Too many times Mom will start a conversation that I don't want to have and instead of humoring her, like I would have done in the past, I will smile politely and say, "I am not up for this right now." I don't try and force myself to be, either. I am thirty-two years old and I have never so consistently put my needs before someone else. It feels right, but I am still swamped in the guilt. Unavoidable guilt, right?
My self-esteem is somewhere around zero these days. I have difficult time blocking out what I hear from people and what I know to be true. It is a distinction that I have never been able to easily make. As independent and obnoxious as I am, when I hear someones perception of myself, I put a little too much stock in to it. Because I am stupid.
Adam got me an iPod for my birthday. I have loaded most of my CD collection on to it. Dancing around the house hasn't been this much fun in a long time. Cleaning is harder because I take too many booty-shaking breaks, so I worry that I am not doing a good enough job cleaning. One thing I don't doubt is Adam's love for me.
I hope that everyone gets that, or has that. I might complain about his distance or his unwillingness to ride me like a pony every time I am in the mood, but he loves the parts of me that I think are embarrassing or wrong. He loves my permanently childlike state. He loves that I am a dirty old man that hits on EVERYthing, in a "Hey, baby, wanna wrestle" kind of way. (Because it makes me laugh) Adam is even enamored with my quick temper and random hatred of the newscasters during the eleven o'clock show.
What I hope happens is that if I focus on this long enough, I won't stress the other stuff that bothers me; like my Emo-ness or my gas. I want to stop saying "I'm Sorry" for everything. I am not a weak person, but I know that I portray that sometimes because I have been conditioned to apologize for being myself.
I have no plan, really, other than that. I have never been able to put the energy in to being a better, more confident person. I have bravado and snappy comebacks, but no real self-love. I want that. It seems like a good year for it.
That is what I am facing these days. I have so much to say, but nothing quick and easy. I watch the news, but my brain processes only things that make me mad. I live my life, but there aren't any funny anecdotes that I can jot down to tell you. Everything that is important boils down to short conversations and long looks between me and Adam. It is stupid.
I can say that I am stronger (this week). I feel positive about tomorrow.
My mom is trying so hard to fit in, but Adam and I aren't really looking for a family right now. It is causing tension because she is desperate for something we can't offer her. Mom is missing family meals and chats and Adam and I are like ghosts in our own house. We glide through, doing what needs to be done, but if we are uncomfortable or unwilling to do something, we just don't. Too many times Mom will start a conversation that I don't want to have and instead of humoring her, like I would have done in the past, I will smile politely and say, "I am not up for this right now." I don't try and force myself to be, either. I am thirty-two years old and I have never so consistently put my needs before someone else. It feels right, but I am still swamped in the guilt. Unavoidable guilt, right?
My self-esteem is somewhere around zero these days. I have difficult time blocking out what I hear from people and what I know to be true. It is a distinction that I have never been able to easily make. As independent and obnoxious as I am, when I hear someones perception of myself, I put a little too much stock in to it. Because I am stupid.
Adam got me an iPod for my birthday. I have loaded most of my CD collection on to it. Dancing around the house hasn't been this much fun in a long time. Cleaning is harder because I take too many booty-shaking breaks, so I worry that I am not doing a good enough job cleaning. One thing I don't doubt is Adam's love for me.
I hope that everyone gets that, or has that. I might complain about his distance or his unwillingness to ride me like a pony every time I am in the mood, but he loves the parts of me that I think are embarrassing or wrong. He loves my permanently childlike state. He loves that I am a dirty old man that hits on EVERYthing, in a "Hey, baby, wanna wrestle" kind of way. (Because it makes me laugh) Adam is even enamored with my quick temper and random hatred of the newscasters during the eleven o'clock show.
What I hope happens is that if I focus on this long enough, I won't stress the other stuff that bothers me; like my Emo-ness or my gas. I want to stop saying "I'm Sorry" for everything. I am not a weak person, but I know that I portray that sometimes because I have been conditioned to apologize for being myself.
I have no plan, really, other than that. I have never been able to put the energy in to being a better, more confident person. I have bravado and snappy comebacks, but no real self-love. I want that. It seems like a good year for it.
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