Not every day is crap

I live for the awesome of icanhascheezburger.com.

How ridiculous is it that I can't seem to write about anything. I mean, life keeps happening, surely there is a story or anecdote that I can share....

Blank. There is a blank spot where words and stories should be.

Life isn't all emo-driven sob fests wherein I beat my chest and pull my hair out. I have some really amazing days, I swear. I just never think to sit down and share them.

I went back and read my person journal from the year before I got pregnant with Mazzy. No wonder I talked all of the time! My life was a series of ass-kicking events and we barely had time to recover in between the disasters. I was constantly on the verge of leaving Adam. I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I was incapable of believing that we were ever going to come out of the darkness.

Things might be crushing and awful, but the only thing I have to process and deal with is my grief for Mazzy. I love my husband. We are good for one another, we communicate well, and we have a proven track record for coming out on top of madness. We are buying our house. Our car is paid for. We only have my mom to take care of right now. Our family, while still a hotpot of crazy, isn't oozing out on to our day-to-day life. We have hiccups and stutters of cleaning up after them, but it is slowly becoming a rarity.

Life is, in all honesty, really good for us right now.

I complain. I like to bitch and moan and belabor a point until it has lost all resemblance to my original intention. When I don't have a zillion little annoyances, I blow up the one thing going wrong until it is the All Consuming Problem.

It is annoying.

I recognize that whatever reprieve I have right now may be temporary. Thanksgiving is coming all too soon, then December will be here.

Yeah.

I am constantly working on being better. Stronger.

I was afraid, for a while, that being strong attracted the Universal Whammies and that it was safer to be weak. The weaker people in my life didn't have the same kind of Lessons dropped on them. I am not going to let fear and jealousy dictate who I am. I am a strong person. My life may not be ideal, but I am loved and safe. I have a remarkable partner, something that is more precious to me than a thousand stories of wild adventures.