Like a blanket too cold to comfort me....

We managed to survive Thanksgiving. This picture is a portrait of the Castellow side of things. There are four missing adult children and six grandchildren not pictured. We are a large family. Adam, my husband, is the scared looking man with the cigarette next to me, the grinning drunk in the leather coat. 'Cause I looked good...... And I had the bottle of wine sitting on the table in front of me.

Yes, I drank. I didn't plan on it, but once I walked in to the lake house and heard the other kids playing, I froze up. My last holiday with Mazzy was Thanksgiving. She didn't make it to Christmas.

So, I drank. It was the only way that I was going to be able to laugh and chat and play with my niece and my nephews.

I watched Lilli and I felt bad, really. She doesn't have any girls. There are five boys and one girl among the children. She is going to grow up rather lonely.

After Thanksgiving Adam and I went gambling together for the first time. I was bored out of my mind. I don't like throwing money away and that was Adam's whole goal. There was no competition. He just steadily put the money in the machines to keep busy. Once he was bored, he intentionally wasted it on reckless betting so that we could eat and go to the room.

It was nice to be alone. We don't get that much. We are always surrounded by family.

And not in the good way. Ha! I am hilarious!

Today they have forecasted snow in our area. Last year it snowed, three days before Mazzy died, and we were so excited. We built a snowman and played in the yard. The monitor was in the garage so that we could hear if she woke up, since she wasn't feeling well, and we thought the snow meant that something wonderful was going to happen.

We were wrong.

So, today, I am filled with Dread. Like that, with a capital 'D.' Adam has to work and drive in the mess. It wouldn't be a big deal, but we don't get snow very often in Houston, last year excluded, and no one knows how to drive in it. I am terrified that Adam is going to get in an accident in our one car and I won't be able to get to him fast enough and I will lose him, too.

Because those things can really happen in my world, now.

I am holding on and holding back and doing what I can to make it to the first of the year. I am nine days away from the one year anniversary of my daughter's death and, no, I can't think about much else.

This week has been about getting my visits and phone calls in because I knew that with the coming snow and the impending Date that I would start down this crazy emo nutso spiral where I can barely hold a thought that isn't filled with loss and sorrow. I spent time with my nephew Seth and my two sister-in-law's, as well as two of my dear friends, Val and Jenn.

Today I will be lucky to clean the kitchen.

Lately the idea of losing all touch with reality has been appealing. It seems like a comfort to go all Denial and stay in a world where Mazzy exists and I am her mother and I can still hold and love her, in a physical sense. Unfortunately, I am too practical and I haven't been able to forget that she is dead. \

Maybe I will have better luck tomorrow.

Ha.

On that note, I should attempt to clean and exercise. I can't just sit at the window and wait for the snow to come and break my heart.