Perspective
It seems like every time I sit down to write this the only stories I have to share are sad and Emo-filled. I swear my whole life isn't revolving around sadness and depression. I just don't think I can prove it. Ha.
I am happy to announce that I have accepted myself as my own very best friend. I like spending time with me. I am funny. I have just the right amount of energy. I like all the same movies, music, television and books. My favorite things are readily available to me. It is relaxing to be free to completely be myself. With me.
Yeah.
Sometimes I focus so much on my grief and how I am handling it that I don't always put energy in to Adam and what he is going through. There are a few things that have helped me to be more aware: I caught Adam checking my breathing. He does it every morning, apparently. Also, he can't sleep. (I have developed a habit of snoring out of nowhere, so that might be part of it.) Most telling is the fact that Adam and I are clashing when certain situations coming up concerning Mazzy.
For instance, my mother-in-law called, but I was unavailable, then texted that she was thinking of us on Mazzy's birthday. Except, it wasn't her birthday. Mazzy would have been two years old on the 21st. This thing with Reba happened yesterday morning, The 23rd.
I would like to clarify that I was not in any way upset. I sincerely wasn't. Mom didn't mention Mazzy's birthday, nor my father or any other family member, except people on Facebook because I said something. I only did it for me. I am not foolish enough to think that people are as focused on my dead daughter as I am.
However, I didn't want Reba working under a false impression forever. It seemed unfair. I called her once I got her text and very gently told her that the date was wrong. Mazzy's birthday had already passed. She was upset. I believe that I was sweet and funny and not at all inflammatory, but Adam freaked out on me. It is an ongoing issue with us. I face things head on and he wants to subvert everything. He functions on false information as a way to ease through difficult situations. It is one of the reasons that the situation with Wayne was so volatile and awful. Adam's approach to everything his father did was to let it go and sweep it under the rug. I just don't function that way.
At any rate, I didn't take his anger too personally. I had already made the call and he couldn't change history and we moved on.
Later that morning we went to grocery store. We ran in to a problem we have been having there ever since we returned to the location. See, when we came back, the first time that people asked where Mazzy was he cut me off, simply telling them she was with relatives. I am in agreement with him, to some extent, that these people don't need to know our whole lives and it is very personal and we shouldn't have to talk about it.
However- It happens EVERY week. Seriously. There is a very nice bagger who asks every week why we left the baby at home. Every week.
I am simply so tired of lying. I am tired of hurting every time he asks because I ache for my child.
Saturday the bagger, Robert, asked in front of the one checker in the whole story who didn't know us from before. She was new and didn't have any history with us. She is friendly and when we first met her she asked if we had any children. We told her, "no."
Suddenly I am between Robert and the friendly checker and I am hyperventilating because I am trying not to cry. Robert THEN goes in to, "I haven't seen Mazzy in a while. She must be getting big." The nice checker is looking at us all confused and Adam is grabbing my arm and roughly whispering for me to go to the car.
It got out of hand so quickly.
I didn't go to the car, like an errant child, but I didn't correct anyone. We just changed the subject and checked out.
I am so close to just telling Adam to shop without me. I can't do this every week. And I sincerely wish he would respect the fact that his inability to face life as it really is continues to be a huge block in our relationship. It is hurtful. Eventually this will cause huge problems for the balance of our marriage.
Ah, but it won't be today. Today I will simply roll with the punches of life. I will clean and cook and basically find a way to not let it drag me down.
I am happy to announce that I have accepted myself as my own very best friend. I like spending time with me. I am funny. I have just the right amount of energy. I like all the same movies, music, television and books. My favorite things are readily available to me. It is relaxing to be free to completely be myself. With me.
Yeah.
Sometimes I focus so much on my grief and how I am handling it that I don't always put energy in to Adam and what he is going through. There are a few things that have helped me to be more aware: I caught Adam checking my breathing. He does it every morning, apparently. Also, he can't sleep. (I have developed a habit of snoring out of nowhere, so that might be part of it.) Most telling is the fact that Adam and I are clashing when certain situations coming up concerning Mazzy.
For instance, my mother-in-law called, but I was unavailable, then texted that she was thinking of us on Mazzy's birthday. Except, it wasn't her birthday. Mazzy would have been two years old on the 21st. This thing with Reba happened yesterday morning, The 23rd.
I would like to clarify that I was not in any way upset. I sincerely wasn't. Mom didn't mention Mazzy's birthday, nor my father or any other family member, except people on Facebook because I said something. I only did it for me. I am not foolish enough to think that people are as focused on my dead daughter as I am.
However, I didn't want Reba working under a false impression forever. It seemed unfair. I called her once I got her text and very gently told her that the date was wrong. Mazzy's birthday had already passed. She was upset. I believe that I was sweet and funny and not at all inflammatory, but Adam freaked out on me. It is an ongoing issue with us. I face things head on and he wants to subvert everything. He functions on false information as a way to ease through difficult situations. It is one of the reasons that the situation with Wayne was so volatile and awful. Adam's approach to everything his father did was to let it go and sweep it under the rug. I just don't function that way.
At any rate, I didn't take his anger too personally. I had already made the call and he couldn't change history and we moved on.
Later that morning we went to grocery store. We ran in to a problem we have been having there ever since we returned to the location. See, when we came back, the first time that people asked where Mazzy was he cut me off, simply telling them she was with relatives. I am in agreement with him, to some extent, that these people don't need to know our whole lives and it is very personal and we shouldn't have to talk about it.
However- It happens EVERY week. Seriously. There is a very nice bagger who asks every week why we left the baby at home. Every week.
I am simply so tired of lying. I am tired of hurting every time he asks because I ache for my child.
Saturday the bagger, Robert, asked in front of the one checker in the whole story who didn't know us from before. She was new and didn't have any history with us. She is friendly and when we first met her she asked if we had any children. We told her, "no."
Suddenly I am between Robert and the friendly checker and I am hyperventilating because I am trying not to cry. Robert THEN goes in to, "I haven't seen Mazzy in a while. She must be getting big." The nice checker is looking at us all confused and Adam is grabbing my arm and roughly whispering for me to go to the car.
It got out of hand so quickly.
I didn't go to the car, like an errant child, but I didn't correct anyone. We just changed the subject and checked out.
I am so close to just telling Adam to shop without me. I can't do this every week. And I sincerely wish he would respect the fact that his inability to face life as it really is continues to be a huge block in our relationship. It is hurtful. Eventually this will cause huge problems for the balance of our marriage.
Ah, but it won't be today. Today I will simply roll with the punches of life. I will clean and cook and basically find a way to not let it drag me down.
Comments
but
I only speak for myself in saying...
I don't expect you to grieve in any "proper manner" or some such nonsense. You don't have to apologize for emo. I wish you didn't feel responsible for others' reactions to your grief.
I missed Mazzy's birthday.
A belated xoxo.