Still Busy
Nora is napping. I'm listening to music and trying not to think too hard.
The anniversary of Mazzy's death has come and gone. We survived. I won't say that we mastered it, that would be a lie. Nora and I spent the day just being with one another. I'll tell you, it was damn hard to be tough with her. I may have spoiled her a little bit. She slept with us the night before so that the day of the anniversary she was lying next to us; safe, alive and so beautiful. It started the day off on a good note because no one had to make that dreaded trip in to the nursery to wake her up, fear building in our stomach.
The holiday spirit has hit me like a manic, sugar-filled elf. I don't know if it's actual enthusiasm for the season, or a desperate attempt to MAKE THIS PERFECT for Nora.
Yes, I'm fully aware that she won't remember a damn thing, but it's the principle of the matter. I want our pictures, and videos, to reflect celebration. I don't want there to be any doubt in her mind that we weren't happy to have our first holiday with her. No cloud of loss or "might have been" to darken her childhood.
I know, a tall, crazy order.
In my effort to spread the spirit, I have started making things - food, fudge, cookies, handmade postcards. It's ridiculous because each failure sends me a little closer to the brink. Adam teases, half-seriously, that he's afraid that I'll shatter if I don't stop trying new things. My psyche can't handle this many projects that go nowhere. And, really, he's right, but I can't sit idle,either. I think too much.
I had my visit with my doc and we've been cleared for takeoff. Not that Adam was waiting for all of that. He's very eager to have all the naked penis sex it takes to make a baby. Knowing us, it'll take another year, or two. That's a lot of naked hugging! I just hope that we don't fight, or have the pressure we had making Nora. I want this to be relaxed and unhurried. Yes, we're starting in January, but we aren't looking to get pregnant right away. It's more like leaving the door open for possibilities.
Oh, funny story : Adam thinks we can make enough room for five kids with a little construction work on the house. Okay, not so much funny as rather terrifying. The man's gone Baby Crazy!
I did something hard a few minutes ago. I replaced Mazzy's Santa picture and the first picture of our little family with Nora's holiday picture and the picture of the three of us in the hospital. It was strange. I know that it had to be done, but it didn't make it any less hard. I had to put my firstborn in a drawer.
But, it's always something, right?
The anniversary of Mazzy's death has come and gone. We survived. I won't say that we mastered it, that would be a lie. Nora and I spent the day just being with one another. I'll tell you, it was damn hard to be tough with her. I may have spoiled her a little bit. She slept with us the night before so that the day of the anniversary she was lying next to us; safe, alive and so beautiful. It started the day off on a good note because no one had to make that dreaded trip in to the nursery to wake her up, fear building in our stomach.
The holiday spirit has hit me like a manic, sugar-filled elf. I don't know if it's actual enthusiasm for the season, or a desperate attempt to MAKE THIS PERFECT for Nora.
Yes, I'm fully aware that she won't remember a damn thing, but it's the principle of the matter. I want our pictures, and videos, to reflect celebration. I don't want there to be any doubt in her mind that we weren't happy to have our first holiday with her. No cloud of loss or "might have been" to darken her childhood.
I know, a tall, crazy order.
In my effort to spread the spirit, I have started making things - food, fudge, cookies, handmade postcards. It's ridiculous because each failure sends me a little closer to the brink. Adam teases, half-seriously, that he's afraid that I'll shatter if I don't stop trying new things. My psyche can't handle this many projects that go nowhere. And, really, he's right, but I can't sit idle,either. I think too much.
I had my visit with my doc and we've been cleared for takeoff. Not that Adam was waiting for all of that. He's very eager to have all the naked penis sex it takes to make a baby. Knowing us, it'll take another year, or two. That's a lot of naked hugging! I just hope that we don't fight, or have the pressure we had making Nora. I want this to be relaxed and unhurried. Yes, we're starting in January, but we aren't looking to get pregnant right away. It's more like leaving the door open for possibilities.
Oh, funny story : Adam thinks we can make enough room for five kids with a little construction work on the house. Okay, not so much funny as rather terrifying. The man's gone Baby Crazy!
I did something hard a few minutes ago. I replaced Mazzy's Santa picture and the first picture of our little family with Nora's holiday picture and the picture of the three of us in the hospital. It was strange. I know that it had to be done, but it didn't make it any less hard. I had to put my firstborn in a drawer.
But, it's always something, right?
Comments
5 kids!
holy shiiiiii!
and man..I just - I NEVER mean to sound super cliche but I just cannot imagine how a person deals with the grief of losing a child - especially with the constant (cliche) thoughts about other people and how you're "supposed" to do it. Am I making any sense? It's different but just like when my dad died it's like people analyze the way you grieve and it's like shit, uh..am I doing it right?
I'm sorry you lost Mazzy. For what it's worth I am in constant awe of how you function and you're just this lovely mama and wife and you've extended so much care to family and people around you. Your projects are not going nowhere..they're going to touch ppl, give you memories! give Adam memories! I know I can't tell you not to worry about making things perfect but please do allow yourself some grace. You're doing amazing things! and you have great hair!
Grief is so strange. It's a highly personal process, but, you're right, people on the outside of the emotion judge you based on their own presumed reactions. We muddle through and, if we're lucky, we can ignore the accusing eyes of people who don't like the way we're doing something.
Eye on the prize - I get a couple more months before a hard day rears it's head. (I'm a bit concerned with Nora's tenth month. And then the one year.)
It's all strength. And learning to appreciate what I have.
I guess.