Anxiety
I'm supposed to be doing chores, or making a car reservation, instead I'm doing my best to keep from running out of the house screaming. No reason.
Lately I feel sick, like my body is out of sync with my mind and I've yet to figure out how to repair it. I've had massive anxiety. I'm a stress-ball, but I'm used to working through that. This is more disruptive; upsetting. I loathe being unable to function. And I'm failing at "functioning" right now.
I'm hoping this, whatever "this" is, is part of my returning cycle and that I can stop feeling this way. I keep telling myself it's hormones and I'll be myself, soon.
I focus on my positive things, like Nora and Adam, but it's not enough. My sadness, my anxiety, are coloring my perceptions of my positives and making things all negative. I want to crawl in my room, where it's dark and quiet, and stay there until I can smile without choking.
Cheerful, huh?
If it were up to me, and apparently it isn't, I'd cancel my plans for Nora's birthday party. There isn't any point. Our family is basically useless, which is fine, but why should I go all out if it's going to be me and Adam and Nora and a cake? Adam says I shouldn't give up on everything, because it's not fair to Nora, but maybe I should scale back. Now it's cake and balloons. No invitations. No extra food. No decorations.
I feel so bad for her. She's stuck with me and I'm, like, this sub-par mess right now. Every free moment is now spent crying and trying not to vomit. Anxiety.
Maybe it's hormones. Maybe I'm a mess because I'm always a mess.
Maybe it's because Nora's almost nine months old and the Crazy! part of my brain is envisioning a shadowy figure following my beautiful daughter around just waiting for the chance to snatch her away.
Even when I get through the next few weeks, will I be any better?
In my weakened state I've started to compare myself to all of the other Moms that I know. Brilliant, right? Suddenly our quiet little life isn't good enough.
So, yeah, I'm a mess. A stupid, weepy, useless mess.
Lately I feel sick, like my body is out of sync with my mind and I've yet to figure out how to repair it. I've had massive anxiety. I'm a stress-ball, but I'm used to working through that. This is more disruptive; upsetting. I loathe being unable to function. And I'm failing at "functioning" right now.
I'm hoping this, whatever "this" is, is part of my returning cycle and that I can stop feeling this way. I keep telling myself it's hormones and I'll be myself, soon.
I focus on my positive things, like Nora and Adam, but it's not enough. My sadness, my anxiety, are coloring my perceptions of my positives and making things all negative. I want to crawl in my room, where it's dark and quiet, and stay there until I can smile without choking.
Cheerful, huh?
If it were up to me, and apparently it isn't, I'd cancel my plans for Nora's birthday party. There isn't any point. Our family is basically useless, which is fine, but why should I go all out if it's going to be me and Adam and Nora and a cake? Adam says I shouldn't give up on everything, because it's not fair to Nora, but maybe I should scale back. Now it's cake and balloons. No invitations. No extra food. No decorations.
I feel so bad for her. She's stuck with me and I'm, like, this sub-par mess right now. Every free moment is now spent crying and trying not to vomit. Anxiety.
Maybe it's hormones. Maybe I'm a mess because I'm always a mess.
Maybe it's because Nora's almost nine months old and the Crazy! part of my brain is envisioning a shadowy figure following my beautiful daughter around just waiting for the chance to snatch her away.
Even when I get through the next few weeks, will I be any better?
In my weakened state I've started to compare myself to all of the other Moms that I know. Brilliant, right? Suddenly our quiet little life isn't good enough.
So, yeah, I'm a mess. A stupid, weepy, useless mess.
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