"Lupron sounds like Lycanthrope. Are you becoming a werewolf?"
I sat here for forty-five minutes attempting to structure my thoughts about the last week, and the last few months if I'm honest, into something meaningful and intelligent, but all I could come up with was a petulant cry.
I'm tired of the Lupron. That's it, really; I'm tired of the mood swings and the random pain, the hot flashes only barely curbed by the progesterone (the tiny coma-inducing pill that I have to remember every night), the fatigue and the uncertainty because I never know when I'll go from being myself to someone else. Someone unlikable. I'm fed up with feeling like being chewed up from the inside.
Yes, I did my research. I knew what I was getting into, but this is a bit like the difference between reading about pregnancy and being pregnant, only there is not screaming kid at the end - it's just you crying over nothing and wanting to be in bed all day because, fuck it's easier than trying anymore.
The first month wasn't that bad, actually. I had pain the day of the shot and the hot flashes came on like waves of combustion, puling me short and rendering me speechless, but the rest was manageable. I'd read about the increase of endometrial pain the first two weeks, but the reality was less than giving birth, so I was fine. The rest of the month was a little hazy, the worst side effect being confusion and memory loss, but it was the tip of the iceberg.
Month two was horrendous. I hate saying that because it's so inflammatory and whiny, but it was a bad month. I wanted to quit taking the shot, but the nurse that I'm comfortable speaking to about these things had left and I was too thrown to articulate myself clearly with the new nurse. I'm not good at new situations, something I think a lot of people can identify with, and while I said that I wasn't handling the treatment sufficiently, the complaints of someone you just met lack the impact of meaning because you don't have a baseline of their tolerance. Basically, I complained and New Nurse brushed me off, dealing with her own problems because she was struggling to put together the needle to inject into my hip.
I'm now in month three, with three more months to go, and I'm worse off than before. Maybe it's an increasing decline in hormones, or simply the rawness of spirit that comes from constantly being on alert, but my day-to-day life has gotten dicey. It baffles me how women can handle this stuff and work. Seriously, I applaud you. I've lost my temper so often in the last three weeks that I barely recognize myself. Nora asks me if I need medicine or a doctor for my "grumpies" and I want to cry all over again. I've forgotten what sex is entirely. No big deal, I guess, but it's so far from the core of me to go willingly without sex that I'm not sure there's any coming back from this dry spell. At least Adam is being understanding. Losing your sex drive is not the myth I thought it was.
I went to the doctor for my endometirosis because the pain was affecting my ability to parent. I was snapping and easily drained. I thought this would help, and it still might, but that is months away. In the meantime, I've come up with a plan with Adam. If I get to the point where I'm sobbing and angry and lost, wanting to hide in bed until the emotions subside (because it's not real, but it feels real) I'm to call him. No more waiting it out while my kid rubs my back and kisses me. It's not fair for my two year old to try and push at the waves of this for me. He has the extra vacation time; I'll try not to feel guilty when he has to spend it catering to me.
Yes, I did the responsible thing and I called my doctor. I got the New Nurse, again, and I'm not sure what she understood, but the solution was to talk to my doctor for me (which I hate, I don't care how busy you are) and New Nurse called back to tell me that I was being put on birth control for the mood swings. Maye I'm cynical, but I don't have a whole lot of faith in birth control keeping me from losing myself a couple times a day, but I'm giving it a shot. The plan was to go on this stuff at the end of the Lupron treatment anyway, so getting started early won't hurt anything.
Why am I talking about it? Because it's sucking me dry. I can barely function, let alone be a creative individual, and if I'm not honest, I've nothing left. I know that I read accounts from women far worse off than me, but I'm only on month three. Who's to say where I'll be in three more?
I'm tired of the Lupron. That's it, really; I'm tired of the mood swings and the random pain, the hot flashes only barely curbed by the progesterone (the tiny coma-inducing pill that I have to remember every night), the fatigue and the uncertainty because I never know when I'll go from being myself to someone else. Someone unlikable. I'm fed up with feeling like being chewed up from the inside.
Yes, I did my research. I knew what I was getting into, but this is a bit like the difference between reading about pregnancy and being pregnant, only there is not screaming kid at the end - it's just you crying over nothing and wanting to be in bed all day because, fuck it's easier than trying anymore.
The first month wasn't that bad, actually. I had pain the day of the shot and the hot flashes came on like waves of combustion, puling me short and rendering me speechless, but the rest was manageable. I'd read about the increase of endometrial pain the first two weeks, but the reality was less than giving birth, so I was fine. The rest of the month was a little hazy, the worst side effect being confusion and memory loss, but it was the tip of the iceberg.
Month two was horrendous. I hate saying that because it's so inflammatory and whiny, but it was a bad month. I wanted to quit taking the shot, but the nurse that I'm comfortable speaking to about these things had left and I was too thrown to articulate myself clearly with the new nurse. I'm not good at new situations, something I think a lot of people can identify with, and while I said that I wasn't handling the treatment sufficiently, the complaints of someone you just met lack the impact of meaning because you don't have a baseline of their tolerance. Basically, I complained and New Nurse brushed me off, dealing with her own problems because she was struggling to put together the needle to inject into my hip.
I'm now in month three, with three more months to go, and I'm worse off than before. Maybe it's an increasing decline in hormones, or simply the rawness of spirit that comes from constantly being on alert, but my day-to-day life has gotten dicey. It baffles me how women can handle this stuff and work. Seriously, I applaud you. I've lost my temper so often in the last three weeks that I barely recognize myself. Nora asks me if I need medicine or a doctor for my "grumpies" and I want to cry all over again. I've forgotten what sex is entirely. No big deal, I guess, but it's so far from the core of me to go willingly without sex that I'm not sure there's any coming back from this dry spell. At least Adam is being understanding. Losing your sex drive is not the myth I thought it was.
I went to the doctor for my endometirosis because the pain was affecting my ability to parent. I was snapping and easily drained. I thought this would help, and it still might, but that is months away. In the meantime, I've come up with a plan with Adam. If I get to the point where I'm sobbing and angry and lost, wanting to hide in bed until the emotions subside (because it's not real, but it feels real) I'm to call him. No more waiting it out while my kid rubs my back and kisses me. It's not fair for my two year old to try and push at the waves of this for me. He has the extra vacation time; I'll try not to feel guilty when he has to spend it catering to me.
Yes, I did the responsible thing and I called my doctor. I got the New Nurse, again, and I'm not sure what she understood, but the solution was to talk to my doctor for me (which I hate, I don't care how busy you are) and New Nurse called back to tell me that I was being put on birth control for the mood swings. Maye I'm cynical, but I don't have a whole lot of faith in birth control keeping me from losing myself a couple times a day, but I'm giving it a shot. The plan was to go on this stuff at the end of the Lupron treatment anyway, so getting started early won't hurt anything.
Why am I talking about it? Because it's sucking me dry. I can barely function, let alone be a creative individual, and if I'm not honest, I've nothing left. I know that I read accounts from women far worse off than me, but I'm only on month three. Who's to say where I'll be in three more?
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