Sometimes it's good when bad things happen
Somewhere around Halloween I started drowning in ridiculously fussy pre-party cleaning fro my friend's baby shower that was held at my house. I'm not much of an emotional eater, but I'm an emotional cleaner. My life choices are so far from where I thought I'd be that I'm often over-compensating by being THE BEST HOUSEWIFE EVER.....kinda. Like, I'm too poor and without crafting skills to be Martha Stewart, too clumsy and boho to be a real 1950's styled housewife, but I try. My dedication to caring after our meager possessions in an effort to feel "Good Enough" is well-known. Adam calls it my "Goode Wyfe" syndrome. It didn't help that there was a misunderstanding between me and the woman throwing the shower, with clarification coming at the expense of my feelings. The situation made me reevaluate the way I handle people.
My default setting is to be kind, often to the detriment of standing up for myself in an immediate situation. I've a bit of a temper, so I've learned to keep from reacting right away to ensure that I don't do, or say, anything I'll regret. I swallow a lot of anger, biting my tongue so often it's almost immune to the pain. I can mull over a slight from so many different angles that I (most often) talk myself out of addressing it because the other person doesn't deserve my anger, or I figure any defense of myself would be pointless. You can't always change a person's opinion of you and it's not important to make a fuss if you're not going to the person that stepped out of bounds all that often. It has gotten me through some tough times, but I've found that smoothing things over, ignoring shitty behavior, is starting to ruffle my feathers.
Years of putting the emotional needs of other first has left a bitter taste in my mouth. I've held onto this hope that if I put enough good out there people would recognize that what I do is from a position of strength and respect, not because I can't stand up for myself. Standing there while the host of the baby shower talked down to me, when I was doing her a huge favor mind you, was the straw that broke the camel's back. I let the selfishness of the other woman wash over me, bit my tongue, and pushed on for the sake of the shower, and my pregnant friend, but now, nearly a week later, I think I'm ready for more active change.
As a young child I was told that I was combative, argumentative, pushy, unlikable.....you get the idea. My youth was lonely, few friends, and I was often singled out for bullying behavior because I was so different. After reaching adulthood, discovering the stupefying help of alcohol, I was able to cast a wider, more friendly net and suddenly my world changed. I was able to make friends for the first time in my life in large quantities, but at the sacrifice of a large portion of my strength of character. It seemed like a small thing all those years ago because I felt normal. I felt like every person around me, the same social skills and I was proud of myself. So many people told me that I was never going to fit in and there I was, proving them wrong.
Now, though, the bloom is off the rose and I'm done playing the spineless fool because that keeps social niceties, well, nice. And it turns out that it didn't really change anything. I wasn't any more liked than I was as a kid, but instead of letting people know their treatment towards me was unacceptable, I martyred myself. Is that even the right way to say that?
And I don't think I'm alone in this. I think we all make these small allowances to smooth rough waters created by the braying asses in our lives, but maybe we shouldn't. Be kind, but never lie down and be treated poorly. Smile when you tell the person they're wrong about you. Still go out of your way to help friends, but never forget that you're strong and beautiful.
That's my lesson this month. I'm thankful that I had this experience, no matter how tricky and painful, so that I no longer make the mistake of bowing to social pressure. I've an excellent group of friends, however small, that will buoy me in my quest to be a complete person.
And there you have it.
My default setting is to be kind, often to the detriment of standing up for myself in an immediate situation. I've a bit of a temper, so I've learned to keep from reacting right away to ensure that I don't do, or say, anything I'll regret. I swallow a lot of anger, biting my tongue so often it's almost immune to the pain. I can mull over a slight from so many different angles that I (most often) talk myself out of addressing it because the other person doesn't deserve my anger, or I figure any defense of myself would be pointless. You can't always change a person's opinion of you and it's not important to make a fuss if you're not going to the person that stepped out of bounds all that often. It has gotten me through some tough times, but I've found that smoothing things over, ignoring shitty behavior, is starting to ruffle my feathers.
Years of putting the emotional needs of other first has left a bitter taste in my mouth. I've held onto this hope that if I put enough good out there people would recognize that what I do is from a position of strength and respect, not because I can't stand up for myself. Standing there while the host of the baby shower talked down to me, when I was doing her a huge favor mind you, was the straw that broke the camel's back. I let the selfishness of the other woman wash over me, bit my tongue, and pushed on for the sake of the shower, and my pregnant friend, but now, nearly a week later, I think I'm ready for more active change.
As a young child I was told that I was combative, argumentative, pushy, unlikable.....you get the idea. My youth was lonely, few friends, and I was often singled out for bullying behavior because I was so different. After reaching adulthood, discovering the stupefying help of alcohol, I was able to cast a wider, more friendly net and suddenly my world changed. I was able to make friends for the first time in my life in large quantities, but at the sacrifice of a large portion of my strength of character. It seemed like a small thing all those years ago because I felt normal. I felt like every person around me, the same social skills and I was proud of myself. So many people told me that I was never going to fit in and there I was, proving them wrong.
Now, though, the bloom is off the rose and I'm done playing the spineless fool because that keeps social niceties, well, nice. And it turns out that it didn't really change anything. I wasn't any more liked than I was as a kid, but instead of letting people know their treatment towards me was unacceptable, I martyred myself. Is that even the right way to say that?
And I don't think I'm alone in this. I think we all make these small allowances to smooth rough waters created by the braying asses in our lives, but maybe we shouldn't. Be kind, but never lie down and be treated poorly. Smile when you tell the person they're wrong about you. Still go out of your way to help friends, but never forget that you're strong and beautiful.
That's my lesson this month. I'm thankful that I had this experience, no matter how tricky and painful, so that I no longer make the mistake of bowing to social pressure. I've an excellent group of friends, however small, that will buoy me in my quest to be a complete person.
And there you have it.
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