I didn't want to be THAT kind of mom
Before I got pregnant I had all of these ideas of what I was going to be able to achieve as a mother. I would stay home. I would take day trips with my wee one to visit friends. I was going to give her a life that any baby would envy. Malls, zoos, the aquarium, the beach, long walks and beautiful people.
Life happened and I was robbed of a lot of those ideas. Two weeks of bedrest after giving birth made me feel weaker, more fragile. My inability to breastfeed without nipple shields made me reluctant to want to take the baby anywhere. Too inconvienant. There was, of course, the other issue of no longer having a car to help me get away from the duldroms of the stay-at-home mom life. Not having other options sort of helped me give in and become THAT kind of mom.
I spent the first few months dealing with the new parent thing. I texted my husband every time Mazzy had a poopie. I video taped every coo and gurgle. I micro-managed every detail of her life so that we had the 'perfect' schedule so that once we were able to start getting out, it would be easy. Every time I did something stupid like that I was able to tell myself that I will 'get over it.' I would open myself up to other experiences and my life would get broader, again. Ha.
I accepted that I wasn't going to get what I wanted about the time that I realized two things: The first was that my child is not social. At all. The other was that once my in-laws moved in I recognized that the time Adam and I had to focus on our little family was over and we were never going to get it back.
Money got tight, because our economy sucks, and I am back working at the Coffee Mines for just enough money to pay for groceries. I am able to squeeze in 28-30 hours a week working nights and weekends while managing to stay home with my daughter during the day. If it wasn't putting food on my table, I would quit. No questions, no regrets. I am tired. I am cranky. I am FINALLY losing the baby weight, and I hate it. But, you do what you have to do to support your family.
I have heard moms talk about being in love with their baby. I don't agree. I am not IN LOVE with Mazzy. That is creepy. I am fascinated by her. I am in awe of her spirit. I am proud of her. I am humbled by her, but I am not in love with her.
I will be honest, I had no idea what to expect from my child. I know what I heard other people said my kid was going to be like. I know that I got sucked in to that "My baby is going to be like this..." game because it was funny and people laughed when I attributed some aspect of myself with some other completely contradictory aspect of Adam's personality on to our helpless offspring. Yeah, some of it has been true. She is fierce and independent, just like Adam. She has my unpredictable temper. Mazzy has other things about her that I never would have seen coming. She is graceful. She is loving and generous. I guess I should have expected it, but she has none of the wickedness I have come to expect from myself.
Life happened and I was robbed of a lot of those ideas. Two weeks of bedrest after giving birth made me feel weaker, more fragile. My inability to breastfeed without nipple shields made me reluctant to want to take the baby anywhere. Too inconvienant. There was, of course, the other issue of no longer having a car to help me get away from the duldroms of the stay-at-home mom life. Not having other options sort of helped me give in and become THAT kind of mom.
I spent the first few months dealing with the new parent thing. I texted my husband every time Mazzy had a poopie. I video taped every coo and gurgle. I micro-managed every detail of her life so that we had the 'perfect' schedule so that once we were able to start getting out, it would be easy. Every time I did something stupid like that I was able to tell myself that I will 'get over it.' I would open myself up to other experiences and my life would get broader, again. Ha.
I accepted that I wasn't going to get what I wanted about the time that I realized two things: The first was that my child is not social. At all. The other was that once my in-laws moved in I recognized that the time Adam and I had to focus on our little family was over and we were never going to get it back.
Money got tight, because our economy sucks, and I am back working at the Coffee Mines for just enough money to pay for groceries. I am able to squeeze in 28-30 hours a week working nights and weekends while managing to stay home with my daughter during the day. If it wasn't putting food on my table, I would quit. No questions, no regrets. I am tired. I am cranky. I am FINALLY losing the baby weight, and I hate it. But, you do what you have to do to support your family.
I have heard moms talk about being in love with their baby. I don't agree. I am not IN LOVE with Mazzy. That is creepy. I am fascinated by her. I am in awe of her spirit. I am proud of her. I am humbled by her, but I am not in love with her.
I will be honest, I had no idea what to expect from my child. I know what I heard other people said my kid was going to be like. I know that I got sucked in to that "My baby is going to be like this..." game because it was funny and people laughed when I attributed some aspect of myself with some other completely contradictory aspect of Adam's personality on to our helpless offspring. Yeah, some of it has been true. She is fierce and independent, just like Adam. She has my unpredictable temper. Mazzy has other things about her that I never would have seen coming. She is graceful. She is loving and generous. I guess I should have expected it, but she has none of the wickedness I have come to expect from myself.
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