It is what it is
After a while I really do face my reality. No, really. I've been doing a great job burying my head in the sand about what's about to happen, but as of tomorrow, the time of lying to myself is over.
What am I talking about? Okay, confession time:
Adam and I have been trying to get pregnant. It's been over a year and it hasn't happened, yet, so I have to start testing for fertility issues. I think. I admit, I'm a little fuzzy about what is going to happen tomorrow. It's part of all of that hiding from reality that I've been doing. I kept thinking, "It's not over, yet. We still have a chance. It could happen without tests and drugs and completely impersonal experiences."
Except...
I'm going to talk with my doctor about options and she's going to ask embarrassing questions and I really, really hope I don't cry. I admit that I'm sad. Who wouldn't be? I mean, our daughter is dead and we've finally got to the point where we were ready to love a new child, to open ourselves up to the experience and the potential for pain, and there's a blank spot there. It's a difficult position for any woman who's struggling to get pregnant, but there's that extra punch in the stomach of knowing that we did the right thing and healed and we're going to (possibly) get Universally shafted, again.
I've Over Googled this thing and I worry that my grief has delayed things and then there's the whole thing with me being a not-so-great baby maker to begin with. ugh.
We wanted to keep things quiet, and we have, but I'm not sure if we'll be able to hide fertility treatments from the family. We wanted to be pregnant before my brother and his family got here, so that the decision was made and we wouldn't panic when the pressure of five of extra people living in the house stressed us and quit. There is still time. They won't be here for two months, but I'm not sure if the tests will be done, let alone a viable treatment option.
I keep asking "What Comes Next?" and the answers become increasingly difficult. I'm getting rather tired of being the poster child for adversity.
What am I talking about? Okay, confession time:
Adam and I have been trying to get pregnant. It's been over a year and it hasn't happened, yet, so I have to start testing for fertility issues. I think. I admit, I'm a little fuzzy about what is going to happen tomorrow. It's part of all of that hiding from reality that I've been doing. I kept thinking, "It's not over, yet. We still have a chance. It could happen without tests and drugs and completely impersonal experiences."
Except...
I'm going to talk with my doctor about options and she's going to ask embarrassing questions and I really, really hope I don't cry. I admit that I'm sad. Who wouldn't be? I mean, our daughter is dead and we've finally got to the point where we were ready to love a new child, to open ourselves up to the experience and the potential for pain, and there's a blank spot there. It's a difficult position for any woman who's struggling to get pregnant, but there's that extra punch in the stomach of knowing that we did the right thing and healed and we're going to (possibly) get Universally shafted, again.
I've Over Googled this thing and I worry that my grief has delayed things and then there's the whole thing with me being a not-so-great baby maker to begin with. ugh.
We wanted to keep things quiet, and we have, but I'm not sure if we'll be able to hide fertility treatments from the family. We wanted to be pregnant before my brother and his family got here, so that the decision was made and we wouldn't panic when the pressure of five of extra people living in the house stressed us and quit. There is still time. They won't be here for two months, but I'm not sure if the tests will be done, let alone a viable treatment option.
I keep asking "What Comes Next?" and the answers become increasingly difficult. I'm getting rather tired of being the poster child for adversity.
Comments
Maybe it is all a punishment for all of the strays we've taken in? lol No good deed goes unpunished, right?! Just kidding.
Now that I've released the cat from the bag, I'm sure that I'll keep you updated. I just don't want to make this all about baby-making. I'm more than an incubator. (Even a failed incubator. lol)
anyway!!
all my good thoughts and love and support your way.
xoxo
Thanks for the support. You will still get to go on this rather annoying "Why aren't we knocked up, yet?" journey with me. Aren't you excited?