Ready, Set, Limbo....
Life has a way of building until I can't ignore it and I walk around with tears in my eyes for no reason. I used to call that time PMS, but now that I know that I'm not ovulating, I'll have to think of another name for it.
There is still no real progress on Seth. After spending days and days submerged in the sadness and fear, the frustration of being unable to have any control over the situation, I've stepped out. I mean, I'm there for Samantha, but I've left all the worrying to the nightmares that I have every time I go to sleep. That seems like plenty of time to have my heart ripped out.
My waking life is filled with a chaos all of its own. We've taken on Elizabeth and she is young, full of angst, and needing guidance. I can't be emotional and weak. She needs a strong influence in her life to keep her pushing forward.
Yesterday she was supposed to get her divorce. It didn't happen. There were problems with the paperwork and both parties did one part of it wrong. Poor Elizabeth signed the paper where the judge was supposed to sign. What a clusterfuck.
They will have to get a lawyer, now. Luckily her soon-to-be-ex-husband is a bit of a screw-up and he has a lawyer he can use. My question was, “Where was this guy when we needed him nearly a year ago?” David, the husband, needs the divorce. His illegitimate child will be due in October, so he can just push this through all he wants. Elizabeth doesn't have the money for any of it right now.
That brings up the next point. Elizabeth doesn't have a job. In her family, on her mom's side, that means that she's now free to run all of her mother's errands for her little sisters since she has no obligations. Except....she needs to be finding a job so that she can save up money and better her life. She's supposed to be looking in to going to school, too. She's going to need a couple of skills to improve her chances of getting a better job. You know, maturing and moving forward. Taking care of herself.
Not to sound like an old fogy, but when I was her age......Yeah, I can do that. I was a totally different version of 21 year old. She's never had to be responsible a day in her life. It's great that she had a full childhood, but it's time to grow up, now. I'm hoping to help her do that.
The rest of my life is filled with trying to keep positive about this fertility thing. I have my second progesterone test today. Another chance to hear that my lady parts aren't working. It always gets to this place where I start to feel sad and overwhelmed, like it's never going to happen. I try and be strong, but my life, the things that I want, rarely ever pan out.
I had these big dreams and I whittled them down thinking that if I had smaller dreams, smaller goals, I could reach them. What's more simple that a husband and a child?
Sure, we had that, but am I supposed to believe that asking for another chance is too big of a deal? Are we supposed to be learning some lesson that just isn't sinking in?
Most days I have the sense to let these thoughts filter through, never sticking. I put my energy in to the house and my life and the things that I can control.
You have to.
Next week is going to be all about my dad's visit. Dad and his wife are coming. I'm.....okay with that. Nervous, I guess. I love my dad, but we've never been close. His wife, Cheryl, drinks and doesn't like me or my mom, and we're both going to be here. I'm hoping that we can get along.
It seems like everyone knows that we're trying to have a baby, now. Except my mom and my dad. I'm hoping to keep it that way.
People are telling me to eliminate stress in my life. What a joke. I've been a housewife for nearly two years and I don't have Wayne and my Mom is doing all right and I have a husband that loves me. This is the best, easiest that my life has been, except the first few months of Mazzy's life. If I can't conceive a baby with the level of stress that I run at naturally, well, then we have no chance at all.
There is still no real progress on Seth. After spending days and days submerged in the sadness and fear, the frustration of being unable to have any control over the situation, I've stepped out. I mean, I'm there for Samantha, but I've left all the worrying to the nightmares that I have every time I go to sleep. That seems like plenty of time to have my heart ripped out.
My waking life is filled with a chaos all of its own. We've taken on Elizabeth and she is young, full of angst, and needing guidance. I can't be emotional and weak. She needs a strong influence in her life to keep her pushing forward.
Yesterday she was supposed to get her divorce. It didn't happen. There were problems with the paperwork and both parties did one part of it wrong. Poor Elizabeth signed the paper where the judge was supposed to sign. What a clusterfuck.
They will have to get a lawyer, now. Luckily her soon-to-be-ex-husband is a bit of a screw-up and he has a lawyer he can use. My question was, “Where was this guy when we needed him nearly a year ago?” David, the husband, needs the divorce. His illegitimate child will be due in October, so he can just push this through all he wants. Elizabeth doesn't have the money for any of it right now.
That brings up the next point. Elizabeth doesn't have a job. In her family, on her mom's side, that means that she's now free to run all of her mother's errands for her little sisters since she has no obligations. Except....she needs to be finding a job so that she can save up money and better her life. She's supposed to be looking in to going to school, too. She's going to need a couple of skills to improve her chances of getting a better job. You know, maturing and moving forward. Taking care of herself.
Not to sound like an old fogy, but when I was her age......Yeah, I can do that. I was a totally different version of 21 year old. She's never had to be responsible a day in her life. It's great that she had a full childhood, but it's time to grow up, now. I'm hoping to help her do that.
The rest of my life is filled with trying to keep positive about this fertility thing. I have my second progesterone test today. Another chance to hear that my lady parts aren't working. It always gets to this place where I start to feel sad and overwhelmed, like it's never going to happen. I try and be strong, but my life, the things that I want, rarely ever pan out.
I had these big dreams and I whittled them down thinking that if I had smaller dreams, smaller goals, I could reach them. What's more simple that a husband and a child?
Sure, we had that, but am I supposed to believe that asking for another chance is too big of a deal? Are we supposed to be learning some lesson that just isn't sinking in?
Most days I have the sense to let these thoughts filter through, never sticking. I put my energy in to the house and my life and the things that I can control.
You have to.
Next week is going to be all about my dad's visit. Dad and his wife are coming. I'm.....okay with that. Nervous, I guess. I love my dad, but we've never been close. His wife, Cheryl, drinks and doesn't like me or my mom, and we're both going to be here. I'm hoping that we can get along.
It seems like everyone knows that we're trying to have a baby, now. Except my mom and my dad. I'm hoping to keep it that way.
People are telling me to eliminate stress in my life. What a joke. I've been a housewife for nearly two years and I don't have Wayne and my Mom is doing all right and I have a husband that loves me. This is the best, easiest that my life has been, except the first few months of Mazzy's life. If I can't conceive a baby with the level of stress that I run at naturally, well, then we have no chance at all.
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