A self-indulgent kick in the pants
Yesterday was beautiful and today was all residual sadness from nightmares that wouldn't end. I guess it's colder than I thought.
I don't want to sound awful, but I was kind of pissed when I woke up from dreams where I was screaming Mazzy's name and still feeling her weight in my arms, her stillness. It's going to be two years in a couple of months and I kind of just wanted to have the next few weeks of sanity before the painful bits came seeping in, again.
We're still not pregnant and it's becoming harder to visualize that happening. When you take what you've already had stolen from you and add the idea that you may never have the chance, well, it becomes sort of awful.
I, in my rational brain, don't want to be stupid about this, or dramatic, but the floor plans for tragedy are already there, I just have to say the words out loud. It's too easy, sometimes, to find the sadness when I recite the story of my life.
Through all of this, of course, Adam and I stay strong, stay together. We're powerful. It's our super power - strength during adversity. We overcome things.
I've pulled out my crochet and I've been writing. I need to keep my hands busy. Idle hands give me to too much space for pain and for the opportunity to cry when there's no need.
I am no different than any other person who's experienced loss. I'm not suffering anymore than any other person on this planet, so why do I allow myself to be brought down by something that is Universal? It's selfish and indulgent and I'm going to work hard for the rest of the year to stop myself from letting it win.
I don't want to sound awful, but I was kind of pissed when I woke up from dreams where I was screaming Mazzy's name and still feeling her weight in my arms, her stillness. It's going to be two years in a couple of months and I kind of just wanted to have the next few weeks of sanity before the painful bits came seeping in, again.
We're still not pregnant and it's becoming harder to visualize that happening. When you take what you've already had stolen from you and add the idea that you may never have the chance, well, it becomes sort of awful.
I, in my rational brain, don't want to be stupid about this, or dramatic, but the floor plans for tragedy are already there, I just have to say the words out loud. It's too easy, sometimes, to find the sadness when I recite the story of my life.
Through all of this, of course, Adam and I stay strong, stay together. We're powerful. It's our super power - strength during adversity. We overcome things.
I've pulled out my crochet and I've been writing. I need to keep my hands busy. Idle hands give me to too much space for pain and for the opportunity to cry when there's no need.
I am no different than any other person who's experienced loss. I'm not suffering anymore than any other person on this planet, so why do I allow myself to be brought down by something that is Universal? It's selfish and indulgent and I'm going to work hard for the rest of the year to stop myself from letting it win.
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