Navigating
On the top of my list of things to do this week is bring order to the nursery. I've neglected the space in favor of naps and copious hours of television in the past few weeks. I don't think about the tasks ahead as much as I should, I guess. I just do them. Something needs to be done, so I do it. Cleaning and organizing the nursery is a prime example.
Adam came home for lunch and, as usual, asked me how my day was going. I started prattling on about chores and cleaning and all of the sorting that I've done in the nursery. I've had to separate between toys that Seth will us and toys that the baby will be able to use right away. I'm a few sentences in to my nonsense when I notice the tension on Adam's face. It happened so quickly. He still freezes when I say anything about Mazzy.
I know that he wants the baby and that he'll be fine once there's physically someone for him to love, but this middle bit is fraught with tension and grief.
Today was Mazzy's original due date. Her birthday is on the 21st. She would have been three. I know what causes him to pause, but the guilt is still there because I can know these facts and still make myself do what needs to be done. Adam is still so raw, even after all this time. I want to make things better for him, but I don't want to be overly sensitive. I don't want to put too much thought in to every thought. I want him to toughen up.
Is that wrong?
It's come to that. I feel like Adam needs to let some of this go so that he can finish healing and be more open to what is coming in to our life. His heart will continue to be an open wound if he doesn't stop letting this hurt him. We have to make changes. We have to grow.
Even if we aren't ready, because our family is growing at this very second, bigger and stronger and soon there will be another child who will not understand this grief and these pauses.
Adam came home for lunch and, as usual, asked me how my day was going. I started prattling on about chores and cleaning and all of the sorting that I've done in the nursery. I've had to separate between toys that Seth will us and toys that the baby will be able to use right away. I'm a few sentences in to my nonsense when I notice the tension on Adam's face. It happened so quickly. He still freezes when I say anything about Mazzy.
I know that he wants the baby and that he'll be fine once there's physically someone for him to love, but this middle bit is fraught with tension and grief.
Today was Mazzy's original due date. Her birthday is on the 21st. She would have been three. I know what causes him to pause, but the guilt is still there because I can know these facts and still make myself do what needs to be done. Adam is still so raw, even after all this time. I want to make things better for him, but I don't want to be overly sensitive. I don't want to put too much thought in to every thought. I want him to toughen up.
Is that wrong?
It's come to that. I feel like Adam needs to let some of this go so that he can finish healing and be more open to what is coming in to our life. His heart will continue to be an open wound if he doesn't stop letting this hurt him. We have to make changes. We have to grow.
Even if we aren't ready, because our family is growing at this very second, bigger and stronger and soon there will be another child who will not understand this grief and these pauses.
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