Let's be honest here.....
I forget, sometimes, that my goal in this blog is to be honest about what I'm going through. I made a promise to myself when Mazzy died that I would be brave and unafraid to talk about what life is like for a grieving mother. I think, for the most part, I've been able to do that.
Unfortunately there are things that I've been too chicken to talk about. I didn't share the process, as it happened, to decide to have another child. I was too scared to say the wrong thing, or write on the wrong day. It's so personal and, yet, polarizing. People are going to have opinions about having a baby and I didn't feel strong enough to handle the feelings of other people when it came to wanting another baby.
Here I am, 17 weeks pregnant, and I'm totally afraid to talk about what I'm going through. I seem so determined to project the right image. I want to appear strong, because I am, but I was afraid that saying I was struggling with the emotional aspect of this pregnancy would make me look weak. Unworthy.
It's so stupid. The first trimester was spent terrified that I would lose the baby and now that my little Tadpole is moving around, I'm hit with how real it all is. I'm going to have another baby.
The little nudges that I was so eagerly awaiting have triggered an awareness inside of me that's unsettling. I'm going to love this child. I'm going to be attached.
I can be hurt.
Yes, I've loved my baby from the beginning, but there's a line.....it's like the difference between loving your boyfriend/girlfriend and loving your spouse. Both are powerful, real and solid emotions, but getting married creates a sense of Forever and finality that just dating can't put in your heart. Or, at least, it did for me. Having the baby move and knowing that I will hold this child and feed it with my body the way I did Mazzy, has drawn that line for me. It's real and inescapable.
Terrifying.
In the middle of all of this Adam is having some sort of mid-life crisis/post-smoking depression that demands my attention. Not only is he dealing with that, he's dealing with a lot of the same issues that I'm having about our baby.
Going in to this I knew that there would be, let's say "hiccups" on the emotional road to motherhood (take 2), but I thought that I had a solid support system in place. I have great friends who I know love me and want good things for me, but they're busy. Very busy. I'm left to sort through the chaos and emotional upheaval alone.
Which, really, if you think about it, is the way that everything goes. No one ever has the safety net needed during hardships. Or maybe that's just me.
Unfortunately there are things that I've been too chicken to talk about. I didn't share the process, as it happened, to decide to have another child. I was too scared to say the wrong thing, or write on the wrong day. It's so personal and, yet, polarizing. People are going to have opinions about having a baby and I didn't feel strong enough to handle the feelings of other people when it came to wanting another baby.
Here I am, 17 weeks pregnant, and I'm totally afraid to talk about what I'm going through. I seem so determined to project the right image. I want to appear strong, because I am, but I was afraid that saying I was struggling with the emotional aspect of this pregnancy would make me look weak. Unworthy.
It's so stupid. The first trimester was spent terrified that I would lose the baby and now that my little Tadpole is moving around, I'm hit with how real it all is. I'm going to have another baby.
The little nudges that I was so eagerly awaiting have triggered an awareness inside of me that's unsettling. I'm going to love this child. I'm going to be attached.
I can be hurt.
Yes, I've loved my baby from the beginning, but there's a line.....it's like the difference between loving your boyfriend/girlfriend and loving your spouse. Both are powerful, real and solid emotions, but getting married creates a sense of Forever and finality that just dating can't put in your heart. Or, at least, it did for me. Having the baby move and knowing that I will hold this child and feed it with my body the way I did Mazzy, has drawn that line for me. It's real and inescapable.
Terrifying.
In the middle of all of this Adam is having some sort of mid-life crisis/post-smoking depression that demands my attention. Not only is he dealing with that, he's dealing with a lot of the same issues that I'm having about our baby.
Going in to this I knew that there would be, let's say "hiccups" on the emotional road to motherhood (take 2), but I thought that I had a solid support system in place. I have great friends who I know love me and want good things for me, but they're busy. Very busy. I'm left to sort through the chaos and emotional upheaval alone.
Which, really, if you think about it, is the way that everything goes. No one ever has the safety net needed during hardships. Or maybe that's just me.
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