Pursuing Sleep
Vacation brought up a lot of questions about decisions we were making as parents. Sure, Nora was a happy, loving a child (still is), but were we making the right decisions for our family as a unit? My primary concern was how, and when, she was sleeping. My other thought was about setting up a viable weaning schedule for her once she was a year old, as Adam and I agreed. (That will be another post. Whee.)
Why would I wish to change anything about Nora's sleeping habits? Simple. At ten-ish months my daughter was still being nursed/rocked to sleep and she was still waking 3-5 times a night to comfort nurse. We had abandoned any hope of getting her to sleep in her crib and we'd been reduced to sleeping on a pile blankets in the living room as a sort of makeshift, and easily hidden, Family Bed. Shameful Co-sleeping. The kind of co-sleeping that went against everything believed in, but, Damn, I was tired.
That, really wasn't even the problem; we'd adjusted and were content to make it work until she was older and, in my sleep-addled brain, I was convinced she'd magically fix the problem for me. What actually began to happen was that Nora was not appreciating being rocked/walked/nursed to sleep anymore. In fact, at the mere intention of starting the process she began to channel a demon that rejected all forms of soothing, clawing and screaming her way to sleep. What used to be a five minute sweet, snuggling, ritual had become an hour-long nightmare where I would walk away bleeding every time. Literally. Nora would eventually cry herself to sleep and I would gratefully fling her away from me and rush around for the (hopefully) fifteen to thirty minute nape she'd allow herself to take and get crap done.
My days were this blur of resentment and dread and, really, how could that result in good parenting? Or a good relationship between me and my daughter?
So, while I was in Indiana we just went with it. I nursed her to sleep and we all took family naps together. It was vacation, right? But, I made the decision to try something different when I got home. I just wasn't sure what It might be.
Randomly, on the drive home, wherein Nora had been screaming and crying for an hour because she was tired but no idea how to do go to sleep by herself, and I was trying anything to soothe her without actually taking her out of the car seat in a moving vehicle, I discovered that rhythmically blowing in her face quieted her down. It wasn't a perfect solution, but it was a start. I knew that, whatever we tried, an oscillating fan was going to have to be involved.
I gave Nora a couple more days once we got home, a chance to convince me that rocking was not going to be an irritating, painful part of my day, but that didn't happen. I decided to just see what happens and put her down for a nap with a fan and walked away.
The first nap was a complete success. She just rolled over and went to sleep. After that? Ah, the screaming. So much screaming.
And, look, I know that getting a child to sleep on their own has a bunch of theories and methods and what you choose to do as a parent is very polarizing, but as long as you know your kid and it works...that should be enough.
That being said, I did try some of the easier things suggested, but seriously, if I was anywhere in the room she screamed until she threw up. It was, in fact, easier on her if I just kept it simple and let her scream for twenty minutes. And let me be clear, it was screaming, not crying. She was doing her best to get my attention and it was miserable. I spent fifteen minutes of every nap/sleep time scheduled second-guessing what I was doing, but it always leveled out to her just talking to herself and going to sleep.
The benefit of that was that she also stopped demanding night nursing. That isn't to say that she didn't wake up, but she has stopped crying or screaming. She just fiddles around in the crib for a bit, taps on her singing, glowing seahorse and drifts back to sleep. And that is only one night a week. That's right, she's actually sleeping through the night for the first time in eleven months. I honestly didn't think that was possible. Why would I? She'd NEVER DONE IT BEFORE! Three hour stretches at night was all I could expect.
Part of this is tricky. It means that she has to have a nap at the same times every day and that bed time has to be at the same time, but she's cool with it. We've gotten to the point where she'll bring me a book and point to her room, indicating she's ready to sleep. We read our story on the rocking chair and I put her in her crib. She screams (still) for, like, 2 minutes) my name or for Dada (even when she's tired) then she just hangs in the crib for a few minutes chatting getting comfy. (I watch her through a crack in the door.)
The biggest change is that we're both less tense, now. I'm excited to see her in the mornings and we both know that we can expect certain things throughout the day. This really works for both of us. It's funny because I really, really wanted to be more of a bed time softie, but I realized that Nora just wasn't going to allow that to happen and still sleep. And a cranky baby is no one's friend.
Why would I wish to change anything about Nora's sleeping habits? Simple. At ten-ish months my daughter was still being nursed/rocked to sleep and she was still waking 3-5 times a night to comfort nurse. We had abandoned any hope of getting her to sleep in her crib and we'd been reduced to sleeping on a pile blankets in the living room as a sort of makeshift, and easily hidden, Family Bed. Shameful Co-sleeping. The kind of co-sleeping that went against everything believed in, but, Damn, I was tired.
That, really wasn't even the problem; we'd adjusted and were content to make it work until she was older and, in my sleep-addled brain, I was convinced she'd magically fix the problem for me. What actually began to happen was that Nora was not appreciating being rocked/walked/nursed to sleep anymore. In fact, at the mere intention of starting the process she began to channel a demon that rejected all forms of soothing, clawing and screaming her way to sleep. What used to be a five minute sweet, snuggling, ritual had become an hour-long nightmare where I would walk away bleeding every time. Literally. Nora would eventually cry herself to sleep and I would gratefully fling her away from me and rush around for the (hopefully) fifteen to thirty minute nape she'd allow herself to take and get crap done.
My days were this blur of resentment and dread and, really, how could that result in good parenting? Or a good relationship between me and my daughter?
So, while I was in Indiana we just went with it. I nursed her to sleep and we all took family naps together. It was vacation, right? But, I made the decision to try something different when I got home. I just wasn't sure what It might be.
Randomly, on the drive home, wherein Nora had been screaming and crying for an hour because she was tired but no idea how to do go to sleep by herself, and I was trying anything to soothe her without actually taking her out of the car seat in a moving vehicle, I discovered that rhythmically blowing in her face quieted her down. It wasn't a perfect solution, but it was a start. I knew that, whatever we tried, an oscillating fan was going to have to be involved.
I gave Nora a couple more days once we got home, a chance to convince me that rocking was not going to be an irritating, painful part of my day, but that didn't happen. I decided to just see what happens and put her down for a nap with a fan and walked away.
The first nap was a complete success. She just rolled over and went to sleep. After that? Ah, the screaming. So much screaming.
And, look, I know that getting a child to sleep on their own has a bunch of theories and methods and what you choose to do as a parent is very polarizing, but as long as you know your kid and it works...that should be enough.
That being said, I did try some of the easier things suggested, but seriously, if I was anywhere in the room she screamed until she threw up. It was, in fact, easier on her if I just kept it simple and let her scream for twenty minutes. And let me be clear, it was screaming, not crying. She was doing her best to get my attention and it was miserable. I spent fifteen minutes of every nap/sleep time scheduled second-guessing what I was doing, but it always leveled out to her just talking to herself and going to sleep.
The benefit of that was that she also stopped demanding night nursing. That isn't to say that she didn't wake up, but she has stopped crying or screaming. She just fiddles around in the crib for a bit, taps on her singing, glowing seahorse and drifts back to sleep. And that is only one night a week. That's right, she's actually sleeping through the night for the first time in eleven months. I honestly didn't think that was possible. Why would I? She'd NEVER DONE IT BEFORE! Three hour stretches at night was all I could expect.
Part of this is tricky. It means that she has to have a nap at the same times every day and that bed time has to be at the same time, but she's cool with it. We've gotten to the point where she'll bring me a book and point to her room, indicating she's ready to sleep. We read our story on the rocking chair and I put her in her crib. She screams (still) for, like, 2 minutes) my name or for Dada (even when she's tired) then she just hangs in the crib for a few minutes chatting getting comfy. (I watch her through a crack in the door.)
The biggest change is that we're both less tense, now. I'm excited to see her in the mornings and we both know that we can expect certain things throughout the day. This really works for both of us. It's funny because I really, really wanted to be more of a bed time softie, but I realized that Nora just wasn't going to allow that to happen and still sleep. And a cranky baby is no one's friend.
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