This was going to be a pretty post
It's been so long since the last time I posted that I'm uncertain how to begin. That is your warning because this is probably about to become an incoherent, rambling, mess. Have fun.
The last thing I spoke about was Nora's bedtime fight. As of this week, it's finally better. I wasn't sure that I was going to make it, to be honest. I was nearly convinced that it was going to be my life until she started college.
There's this myth that at some point in the future she'll wander into bed on her own and fall asleep without me having to stand nearby, but I don't know if I buy it. I'm feeling like getting to this point where I'm standing at her open door like a prison guard is a success. That's how bad the struggle has been. In a few more weeks, I'm hoping we'll get to a place where I can sit on the couch, maybe watch tv.
Ah, the future, keeping me hanging on with your promises and lies once more.
In other news I'm scheduled for laproscopic surgery on Friday. Val has graciously volunteered to spend the day with Nora so that Adam can sit at the hospital for me. I'm getting Nora pumped up for her special play date. I'm not sure how she'll respond to having solo time, but I'm hoping that she surprises me and handles it like a champ. Who knows? She may be thrilled to have a day without either one of her parents hovering over her, questioning everything, driving her mad.
The procedure is a day surgery, so I'll be home before dinner. Adam has the weekend off and I'm going to demand plenty of attention. Haha. Just kidding. I don't expect a bunch of pampering. I want him to take care of Nora and make sure my meds are handy. That's all I can really expect.
My mother-in-law is coming over Monday and Tuesday to help out and visit. I think it will be good for Nora to spend some time with her. Reba thought that she was going to help watch Nora, but since she's been so erratic and difficult to contact lately. I was surprised that she thought that. Like, I've called several times and gotten no answer. She never returns text messages anymore. I just assumed that she didn't want to be involved. So I made other plans.
Because that's what I do.
I'm evaluating my need for independence. I got a wake up call recently and I realized that I've let other people have too much control over my life and my decisions. So, I'm going to stop. I'm going to stop making plans; I'm going to stop putting things off because I can't get someone to go with me. That isn't to say that I'm going to out and about all the time, because we don't have the money for that and I still don't have a car, but I am going to stop waiting for until I'm experiencing cabin fever and resentful because I'm trapped at home and everyone else is busy living their life. It I want to see a movie (and have the money), I'll go. Take myself shopping. Go to the bar. Visit the park.
I used to do that sort of thing alone all of the time because, spoiler alert, I'm inherently really independent. I don't like being reliant on other people, but it living that way doesn't really build friendships. Maybe the time has come to focus less on relationships and more on me. Why not? Worrying about the rest of it has done very little for me.
Adam has already embraced it. It's been like a catalyst for renewing the energy in our marriage. He married an independent woman and he's missed her.
Nora has responded well, too. Not that she's experienced much of the getting out and going aspect, yet, but my change of personality is making her smile. Love that feeling.
We were standing in the kitchen waiting for lunch to finish and I had that flash of happiness that I'd been missing. The radio was on and we were dancing together, her little body wiggling and smiles on our faces, and I thought, "This is the type of mom I've always wanted to be."
I haven't felt like I'm falling short, or feel guilty when something doesn't happen in quite the right way. I am laughing and playing and no matter what happens, what things Nora decides didn't work for her growing up, I know that she's getting the best version of me.
What a relief. What a miracle.
I made Adam a photo collage thing and had it printed out for his cubicle at work for Father's Day. It wasn't Father's Day specific, just a bunch of random family photos that made me smile, and I had two printed. This morning, Nora and I stuck the spare on the freezer door with the other family photos. We make a beautiful family.
At the end of July we'll be making a trip to Tennessee to visit my family. My dad rented a cabin and we're going to stay a couple days with my siblings and their kids. I'm hoping it will be lots of fun. The drive will be tricky, but if we plan it right, it will be fine. I'm figuring we can stop and visit my mom on the way, kill two birds with one stone. And since time will be limited, we won't have to stay long. Bonus.
I can't keep promises that I'll be posting more often, because I'm usually doing creative writing during this time, but who knows? If Adam's game stops doing maintenance during the week, I'll be a gaming widow with plenty of extra time on my hands.
The last thing I spoke about was Nora's bedtime fight. As of this week, it's finally better. I wasn't sure that I was going to make it, to be honest. I was nearly convinced that it was going to be my life until she started college.
There's this myth that at some point in the future she'll wander into bed on her own and fall asleep without me having to stand nearby, but I don't know if I buy it. I'm feeling like getting to this point where I'm standing at her open door like a prison guard is a success. That's how bad the struggle has been. In a few more weeks, I'm hoping we'll get to a place where I can sit on the couch, maybe watch tv.
Ah, the future, keeping me hanging on with your promises and lies once more.
In other news I'm scheduled for laproscopic surgery on Friday. Val has graciously volunteered to spend the day with Nora so that Adam can sit at the hospital for me. I'm getting Nora pumped up for her special play date. I'm not sure how she'll respond to having solo time, but I'm hoping that she surprises me and handles it like a champ. Who knows? She may be thrilled to have a day without either one of her parents hovering over her, questioning everything, driving her mad.
The procedure is a day surgery, so I'll be home before dinner. Adam has the weekend off and I'm going to demand plenty of attention. Haha. Just kidding. I don't expect a bunch of pampering. I want him to take care of Nora and make sure my meds are handy. That's all I can really expect.
My mother-in-law is coming over Monday and Tuesday to help out and visit. I think it will be good for Nora to spend some time with her. Reba thought that she was going to help watch Nora, but since she's been so erratic and difficult to contact lately. I was surprised that she thought that. Like, I've called several times and gotten no answer. She never returns text messages anymore. I just assumed that she didn't want to be involved. So I made other plans.
Because that's what I do.
I'm evaluating my need for independence. I got a wake up call recently and I realized that I've let other people have too much control over my life and my decisions. So, I'm going to stop. I'm going to stop making plans; I'm going to stop putting things off because I can't get someone to go with me. That isn't to say that I'm going to out and about all the time, because we don't have the money for that and I still don't have a car, but I am going to stop waiting for until I'm experiencing cabin fever and resentful because I'm trapped at home and everyone else is busy living their life. It I want to see a movie (and have the money), I'll go. Take myself shopping. Go to the bar. Visit the park.
I used to do that sort of thing alone all of the time because, spoiler alert, I'm inherently really independent. I don't like being reliant on other people, but it living that way doesn't really build friendships. Maybe the time has come to focus less on relationships and more on me. Why not? Worrying about the rest of it has done very little for me.
Adam has already embraced it. It's been like a catalyst for renewing the energy in our marriage. He married an independent woman and he's missed her.
Nora has responded well, too. Not that she's experienced much of the getting out and going aspect, yet, but my change of personality is making her smile. Love that feeling.
We were standing in the kitchen waiting for lunch to finish and I had that flash of happiness that I'd been missing. The radio was on and we were dancing together, her little body wiggling and smiles on our faces, and I thought, "This is the type of mom I've always wanted to be."
I haven't felt like I'm falling short, or feel guilty when something doesn't happen in quite the right way. I am laughing and playing and no matter what happens, what things Nora decides didn't work for her growing up, I know that she's getting the best version of me.
What a relief. What a miracle.
I made Adam a photo collage thing and had it printed out for his cubicle at work for Father's Day. It wasn't Father's Day specific, just a bunch of random family photos that made me smile, and I had two printed. This morning, Nora and I stuck the spare on the freezer door with the other family photos. We make a beautiful family.
At the end of July we'll be making a trip to Tennessee to visit my family. My dad rented a cabin and we're going to stay a couple days with my siblings and their kids. I'm hoping it will be lots of fun. The drive will be tricky, but if we plan it right, it will be fine. I'm figuring we can stop and visit my mom on the way, kill two birds with one stone. And since time will be limited, we won't have to stay long. Bonus.
I can't keep promises that I'll be posting more often, because I'm usually doing creative writing during this time, but who knows? If Adam's game stops doing maintenance during the week, I'll be a gaming widow with plenty of extra time on my hands.
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