SAHM: Parenting in a vacuum
A couple nights ago, in a fit of impatience and frustration, Adam, my darling husband, stated he felt that Nora, our two and a half year old, runs around like a maniac. The quiet conversation, whispered outside Nora's shut bedroom door as we attempted to tame our screaming beast of a child who was valiantly fighting bed time, went something like this:
Adam: I don't know what else to do. I try everything I still end up standing outside the door listening to her scream.
Me: I know it's hard to believe this right now, but she's a good kid. We're doing a good job.
Adam: (incredulously) No, we're not! She runs around like a maniac all day. She never listens. How is that a good job?
I didn't have anything to say to that. How could I? I obviously had a very different opinion about what a well-behaved two year old should act like. It was a surprise to me Adam felt like she's ill-behaved because, to me, she does rather well. As the primary caregiver, because I'm home with her all day, I feel responsible for how Adam perceives her. So, while he took another shot at getting Nora to sleep, I Googled "Well-behaved toddler" like a lunatic and tried to find definitive advice on the internet. Apparently I'm new.
As you would imagine, I came up with blog posts and self-help books, forums full of conflicting ideas and I ended up more confused. How am I supposed to know if I'm doing enough as a parent, a disciplinarian, an example? Especially with so very little to go from on a daily basis.
The simple fact is I'm a stay at home mom who doesn't have access to a car Monday through Friday. My husband and I have one car and it's iffy on a good day. I'm also in that Dead Space where I don't have many friends with kids in Nora's age range and those Mom groups aren't appealing to me. It's a lot of work to gain access to the car for a two hour group with people I don't know and I, frankly, don't have the energy for it.
I guess that'd be strike one for me, wouldn't it? I'm too closed off and introverted to expose my daughter to social situations to determine if we're on the right track.
The other thing is that the friends that I have tell me that I have a lovely child, who is remarkably well-behaved for a kid her age. And I'm inclined to believe them, except Adam insinuated that I could be doing better with her. Suddenly I'm caught in a tidal wave of doubt and I can't get out. I've always been a poor swimmer in those situations.
So, what do you do? As a parent, how do you know if you're instilling the right behaviors into your child? Do you make a list? Ask a bunch of people? Google until you find someone else's list and hope their goals as a parent mesh with your goals as a parent? Wait until your kid is old enough for school and let the teachers sort it out?
I asked Adam in the morning, after my dreaded doctor's appointment, to clarify what he thinks needs to change, but he was suddenly back-pedaling because I'm out of my Hormone Replacement Therapy and I'm pretty sure I've crazy eyes these days. And a tone. There's always a tone with me.
I'd like to start with saying I think Nora is amazing; she's funny and smart, compassionate, caring, loving, stubborn, imaginative and daring. This does make for a powerful cocktail when it comes to taming the two year old beast inside of her. Daily I'm amazed by her thoughtfulness and eagerness. When I watch her play, or tell a joke, or dance with joy, I think I'm doing a good job. She's the kid I envisioned bringing up. Sure, she can be manipulative and refuse to follow rules, pushing at boundaries looking for a reaction, but as long as we stay on track, she's fine.
But is it enough? Have I allowed too many negative behaviors slide because "she's two" and my threshold for shit is fairly high? Do I give politeness too much merit?
In response to my (apparently) sub-par parenting, I've changed things. Just in case.
Adam: I don't know what else to do. I try everything I still end up standing outside the door listening to her scream.
Me: I know it's hard to believe this right now, but she's a good kid. We're doing a good job.
Adam: (incredulously) No, we're not! She runs around like a maniac all day. She never listens. How is that a good job?
I didn't have anything to say to that. How could I? I obviously had a very different opinion about what a well-behaved two year old should act like. It was a surprise to me Adam felt like she's ill-behaved because, to me, she does rather well. As the primary caregiver, because I'm home with her all day, I feel responsible for how Adam perceives her. So, while he took another shot at getting Nora to sleep, I Googled "Well-behaved toddler" like a lunatic and tried to find definitive advice on the internet. Apparently I'm new.
As you would imagine, I came up with blog posts and self-help books, forums full of conflicting ideas and I ended up more confused. How am I supposed to know if I'm doing enough as a parent, a disciplinarian, an example? Especially with so very little to go from on a daily basis.
The simple fact is I'm a stay at home mom who doesn't have access to a car Monday through Friday. My husband and I have one car and it's iffy on a good day. I'm also in that Dead Space where I don't have many friends with kids in Nora's age range and those Mom groups aren't appealing to me. It's a lot of work to gain access to the car for a two hour group with people I don't know and I, frankly, don't have the energy for it.
I guess that'd be strike one for me, wouldn't it? I'm too closed off and introverted to expose my daughter to social situations to determine if we're on the right track.
The other thing is that the friends that I have tell me that I have a lovely child, who is remarkably well-behaved for a kid her age. And I'm inclined to believe them, except Adam insinuated that I could be doing better with her. Suddenly I'm caught in a tidal wave of doubt and I can't get out. I've always been a poor swimmer in those situations.
So, what do you do? As a parent, how do you know if you're instilling the right behaviors into your child? Do you make a list? Ask a bunch of people? Google until you find someone else's list and hope their goals as a parent mesh with your goals as a parent? Wait until your kid is old enough for school and let the teachers sort it out?
I asked Adam in the morning, after my dreaded doctor's appointment, to clarify what he thinks needs to change, but he was suddenly back-pedaling because I'm out of my Hormone Replacement Therapy and I'm pretty sure I've crazy eyes these days. And a tone. There's always a tone with me.
I'd like to start with saying I think Nora is amazing; she's funny and smart, compassionate, caring, loving, stubborn, imaginative and daring. This does make for a powerful cocktail when it comes to taming the two year old beast inside of her. Daily I'm amazed by her thoughtfulness and eagerness. When I watch her play, or tell a joke, or dance with joy, I think I'm doing a good job. She's the kid I envisioned bringing up. Sure, she can be manipulative and refuse to follow rules, pushing at boundaries looking for a reaction, but as long as we stay on track, she's fine.
But is it enough? Have I allowed too many negative behaviors slide because "she's two" and my threshold for shit is fairly high? Do I give politeness too much merit?
In response to my (apparently) sub-par parenting, I've changed things. Just in case.
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