Hey, Internet, Can you keep a secret?
I know, asking the Internet to keep a secret is completely ridiculous, but the people that read this blog won't open their mouths and spill the beans to family, so I'm going to just bite the bullet and confess:
Adam and I are going to try for another baby in January.
I see the doctor in December and I'll double-check with her that everything is okay for us to get pregnant, again. Since it took us so long last time we're going to start when Nora is six months old. Of course, I'll need a regular cycle and all of that, but at least we can start hugging naked and maybe we'll get a surprise before too long.
Yes, I've been exhausted and nuts and stressed about Nora, but that doesn't mean that we don't want another baby. I'd love to give it a few years and spread that kids out, but I'm 34 and I don't feel comfortable risking it too much. We'll just have kids close together and deal with that drama.
There's a part of me that feels that it isn't financially responsible, but I also think that having two kids may take the pressure off of Nora, in the future, to be Mazzy, or to replace her in some way. No, we don't feel that way, but the psychology of a child born after a loss is a fragile thing and I want Nora to know that we had another child(ren) because we love kids, not because we expected a baby to fill our void.
Reba, Adam's mom, has all kinds of mental issues because her sister died. My sister-in-law, Samantha, was born a few short months after her sister, Jordan, died and still identifies herself as a replacement for that child. Samantha's parents, Mike and Sherri (his first wife), didn't give themselves adequate time to heal before getting pregnant with Samantha and she's carried that burden.
Seeing these open wounds in the adult women in my life makes me overly concerned about avoiding pitfalls when rearing Nora.
Well, and growing up I had a friend, Kendra, who was an only child. Her mother spoiled her rotten, to the point of bad behaviors and such. It was as though her mom was afraid Kendra would just go away if she didn't give her everything she wanted. I didn't learn until years later that Kendra was Donna's second child, the first having been stillborn. Donna was so afraid that it would happen, again, that she didn't dare risk another child after the successful birth of Kendra.
I collect stories like this, now, to feel less alone and to learn from mistakes other people have made. I'll still make mistakes, but they'll be unique to me, right?
It's crazy, but other than telling the Internet, I don't even want to tell my Trio. I usually tell them everything, but I feel guilty because I know that Val and Jenn are wanting to start trying for a baby in the next year, too, and they've been so great to me. I don't want to steal their glory, but I have to live my own life, too. I feel as if telling them that Adam and I want another baby would somehow talk them out of starting their own families. I don't want to be responsible for that.
So, yeah, that's it. Starting in January it's going to be all cervical mucus and strategic quickies meant for procreation. Mmmm....sexy.
Adam and I are going to try for another baby in January.
I see the doctor in December and I'll double-check with her that everything is okay for us to get pregnant, again. Since it took us so long last time we're going to start when Nora is six months old. Of course, I'll need a regular cycle and all of that, but at least we can start hugging naked and maybe we'll get a surprise before too long.
Yes, I've been exhausted and nuts and stressed about Nora, but that doesn't mean that we don't want another baby. I'd love to give it a few years and spread that kids out, but I'm 34 and I don't feel comfortable risking it too much. We'll just have kids close together and deal with that drama.
There's a part of me that feels that it isn't financially responsible, but I also think that having two kids may take the pressure off of Nora, in the future, to be Mazzy, or to replace her in some way. No, we don't feel that way, but the psychology of a child born after a loss is a fragile thing and I want Nora to know that we had another child(ren) because we love kids, not because we expected a baby to fill our void.
Reba, Adam's mom, has all kinds of mental issues because her sister died. My sister-in-law, Samantha, was born a few short months after her sister, Jordan, died and still identifies herself as a replacement for that child. Samantha's parents, Mike and Sherri (his first wife), didn't give themselves adequate time to heal before getting pregnant with Samantha and she's carried that burden.
Seeing these open wounds in the adult women in my life makes me overly concerned about avoiding pitfalls when rearing Nora.
Well, and growing up I had a friend, Kendra, who was an only child. Her mother spoiled her rotten, to the point of bad behaviors and such. It was as though her mom was afraid Kendra would just go away if she didn't give her everything she wanted. I didn't learn until years later that Kendra was Donna's second child, the first having been stillborn. Donna was so afraid that it would happen, again, that she didn't dare risk another child after the successful birth of Kendra.
I collect stories like this, now, to feel less alone and to learn from mistakes other people have made. I'll still make mistakes, but they'll be unique to me, right?
It's crazy, but other than telling the Internet, I don't even want to tell my Trio. I usually tell them everything, but I feel guilty because I know that Val and Jenn are wanting to start trying for a baby in the next year, too, and they've been so great to me. I don't want to steal their glory, but I have to live my own life, too. I feel as if telling them that Adam and I want another baby would somehow talk them out of starting their own families. I don't want to be responsible for that.
So, yeah, that's it. Starting in January it's going to be all cervical mucus and strategic quickies meant for procreation. Mmmm....sexy.
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Kimberly