Residual Fear Pops Up Unexpectedly
Yesterday Adam came home quiet and surly. He barely spoke and wouldn't hold the baby. This was particularly upsetting because she was fussy and I was looking forward to a break. Usually Adam comes home and is desperate for a cuddle, so the whole "hands off" approach to the evening was confusing.
I watched him mope and grouse for around an hour before I finally snapped, "What's wrong with you?"
"I'm afraid I'm sick and I think I've given it to the baby."
Nora was crying in my lap and the words sort of stayed there; resting in the air for moments longer than they should have. Adam's face was anguished, so worried that he'd gotten the baby sick that I wanted to cry. I managed to recover and reassured him that Nora was only fussy because she was gassy. I had an extra cup of coffee while visiting with my sister-in-law that afternoon and I was being punished for it.
I got him to open up and tell me why he was worried that he was sick. I made him take his temp and it was completely normal. After running through everything I'm fairly certain that he's having an allergic reaction to ragweed.
Whatever the result the whole thing drove home that Adam and I have residual fears that sort of overwhelm us in relatively mundane parenting situations. Sure, most parents would be worried that their three month old baby would get sick and it would be their fault, but they wouldn't go straight to "worst case scenario" and become almost frozen by that fear.Adam
Adam was so concerned that he'd gotten Nora sick, with absolutely no evidence, that he was paralyzed with guilt. It punched me in the gut. I tend to be so wrapped in my own neurosis' as a parent that I forget that Adam is carrying around his own issues that need to be addressed. I'm lucky, though, because Adam trusts me enough to reveal his vulnerability and have faith that we'll get through it together.
It's moments like these that I become concerned that we're going to create problems in Nora's future, but I have to let it go. I think dwelling on potential issues would be worse than actually hitting those bumps in the road. I can only hope that this is the right thing to do. And I can promise to support her therapy sessions as an adult. I'll even take some blame and hope she'll forgive me.
I focus on getting through this year. Foolishly I think that if we can get to her first birthday all of this extra fear will fall away and we just be parents. I'm tired of being a victim of my past. Making choices for another person, a baby and then a child, is hard enough, without second-guessing everything.
Nora smiles and I know that we aren't doing too bad.
I watched him mope and grouse for around an hour before I finally snapped, "What's wrong with you?"
"I'm afraid I'm sick and I think I've given it to the baby."
Nora was crying in my lap and the words sort of stayed there; resting in the air for moments longer than they should have. Adam's face was anguished, so worried that he'd gotten the baby sick that I wanted to cry. I managed to recover and reassured him that Nora was only fussy because she was gassy. I had an extra cup of coffee while visiting with my sister-in-law that afternoon and I was being punished for it.
I got him to open up and tell me why he was worried that he was sick. I made him take his temp and it was completely normal. After running through everything I'm fairly certain that he's having an allergic reaction to ragweed.
Whatever the result the whole thing drove home that Adam and I have residual fears that sort of overwhelm us in relatively mundane parenting situations. Sure, most parents would be worried that their three month old baby would get sick and it would be their fault, but they wouldn't go straight to "worst case scenario" and become almost frozen by that fear.Adam
Adam was so concerned that he'd gotten Nora sick, with absolutely no evidence, that he was paralyzed with guilt. It punched me in the gut. I tend to be so wrapped in my own neurosis' as a parent that I forget that Adam is carrying around his own issues that need to be addressed. I'm lucky, though, because Adam trusts me enough to reveal his vulnerability and have faith that we'll get through it together.
It's moments like these that I become concerned that we're going to create problems in Nora's future, but I have to let it go. I think dwelling on potential issues would be worse than actually hitting those bumps in the road. I can only hope that this is the right thing to do. And I can promise to support her therapy sessions as an adult. I'll even take some blame and hope she'll forgive me.
I focus on getting through this year. Foolishly I think that if we can get to her first birthday all of this extra fear will fall away and we just be parents. I'm tired of being a victim of my past. Making choices for another person, a baby and then a child, is hard enough, without second-guessing everything.
Nora smiles and I know that we aren't doing too bad.
Comments
And then there's Adam. LOL