Really emotional deja vu
Despite being magnificently healed and strong and totally looking forward to everything for Nora I know that I'm going to have to push through the next few months. My really strong memories of Mazzy are from the fall on until her death. Is that crappy to say? I mean, I do remember her being a little squishy newborn and the floppy bobble-head in-between infant, but the memories that have the most impact are from when she was a little bigger. Crawling, pulling up, talking, eating.....the holidays.
There's no way to avoid them. Nora gets to celebrate Halloween and Thanksgiving and, yes, finger crossed; Christmas. Unfortunately I can't help but feel very nervous. I have this pressure to make wonderful memories for Nora while acknowledging my first born.
And it's like this lives in my brain, but I can't talk about it. It's Grief Fight Club and if I talk about what I'm going through it will vanish, or splinter my personality in some horrific way. Ha. I'm not even sure that I can explain it properly. Luckily I don't have to make any sense.
I guess this is the first time I'm having to face that some of the grief crap was right; I am going to have moments where Mazzy's life will shadow, or superimpose, itself over Nora's. I wanted to believe that I was better than that. I thought I was proving myself capable of keeping their lives separate, but I guess I'm not nearly as cool as I thought. Oh well. I can accept that. I'll chalk it up to my first real failing as a mother. I needed to get one under my belt at some point, right?
Halloween is my favorite holiday and I'd love to go all out, but we're a little poor this year because we had to adjust our budget for a couple of months because of the a/c repair that gouged us. This means I'm looking for a cheap onesie so that we can take a picture so that Nora doesn't feel like we skipped over her for Halloween.
I'm hoping that accepting that Mazzy's memory will sort of infuse itself over the next few months will actually diffuse any emotional bombs that will come up.
There's no way to avoid them. Nora gets to celebrate Halloween and Thanksgiving and, yes, finger crossed; Christmas. Unfortunately I can't help but feel very nervous. I have this pressure to make wonderful memories for Nora while acknowledging my first born.
And it's like this lives in my brain, but I can't talk about it. It's Grief Fight Club and if I talk about what I'm going through it will vanish, or splinter my personality in some horrific way. Ha. I'm not even sure that I can explain it properly. Luckily I don't have to make any sense.
I guess this is the first time I'm having to face that some of the grief crap was right; I am going to have moments where Mazzy's life will shadow, or superimpose, itself over Nora's. I wanted to believe that I was better than that. I thought I was proving myself capable of keeping their lives separate, but I guess I'm not nearly as cool as I thought. Oh well. I can accept that. I'll chalk it up to my first real failing as a mother. I needed to get one under my belt at some point, right?
Halloween is my favorite holiday and I'd love to go all out, but we're a little poor this year because we had to adjust our budget for a couple of months because of the a/c repair that gouged us. This means I'm looking for a cheap onesie so that we can take a picture so that Nora doesn't feel like we skipped over her for Halloween.
I'm hoping that accepting that Mazzy's memory will sort of infuse itself over the next few months will actually diffuse any emotional bombs that will come up.
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