Searching and Besmirching
I need a list of “Good Thoughts” a la Pollyanna. I get in to these funks that start taking over everything in my life. I like to think of them as “funks” because at that point they aren’t my actual personality or the symptom of something larger, like depression or low self-esteem or post-partum. You know, they are temporary and I don’t have to fix anything, I just have to ride the wave of bitchy and get to the other side. Nice theory, right?
Last week was a struggle. When last week started to bleed in to this week, well, I sort of snapped. I don’t feel like I know my place in my own home. I recognize that it is partially my own fault for not expressing my direct needs, but the situation feels dicey and I keep thinking, “if I can just hold out a little longer” I won’t have to squash anyone like a bug. Yeah, right.
My brother-in-law is well-meaning (I guess) but he is severely inconsiderate of the needs of anyone outside of his own little family. He believes that throwing money at something solves the day-to-day annoyances and, in my case, he is wrong. Being put out a little every day builds a large mountain of annoyance that will surely avalanche down on to someone standing below. I just hope that it is him that is crushed, and not me.
My daughter, who is my delight, is driving me batty. She is refusing to nap and I can’t really blame her. The other kids are loud and don’t take naps like she has to. It can’t help that my computer is in the bedroom and the only place I can hide is in here, with her. It is no wonder we both feel overwhelmed and over stimulated.
I have a toothache. That is, if I am honest, my biggest complaint right now. The rest of the stuff bleeds in to it because on a normal day when I would wake up with a toothache I would be able to stumble in to the bathroom and swallow a couple Advil, climb back in to bed and wait for them to kick in before Mazzy wakes up. This morning there is no Advil because my sister-in-law has been sharing them and it was her turn to buy a new bottle. When she and her husband, the aforementioned thorn in my side, went to the store, he refused to buy another bottle of Advil because he felt that she was abusing it. Which would have been fine if two things had happened: One – if I hadn’t been told that there would be fresh bottle today, leaving me to not make a run myself last night and Two – if I had not woken up with my face swollen and my mood bitchy with no way to get any relief.
While I was writing this, lunch happened and my husband brought me a bottle of Advil. He very ridiculously told me, “Hey, your face is swollen. I think you have a toothache.” Really? Thanks. Moron. The unfortunate thing is that I had already reduced myself to a little self-medication. I took a tiny swig from our bottle of vodka. We have had that bottle for two years and it is just now half-way empty. It was our emergency stash when we realized that we were screwed and the world hated us and we had to not kill each other, somehow. Ha.
Of course, now that I have a toothache Adam realizes he should have taken me up on my offer for loving last night, ovulation or no ovulation. He is going to miss the lovin’ while I am laying around bitching about my stupid tooth.
Last week was a struggle. When last week started to bleed in to this week, well, I sort of snapped. I don’t feel like I know my place in my own home. I recognize that it is partially my own fault for not expressing my direct needs, but the situation feels dicey and I keep thinking, “if I can just hold out a little longer” I won’t have to squash anyone like a bug. Yeah, right.
My brother-in-law is well-meaning (I guess) but he is severely inconsiderate of the needs of anyone outside of his own little family. He believes that throwing money at something solves the day-to-day annoyances and, in my case, he is wrong. Being put out a little every day builds a large mountain of annoyance that will surely avalanche down on to someone standing below. I just hope that it is him that is crushed, and not me.
My daughter, who is my delight, is driving me batty. She is refusing to nap and I can’t really blame her. The other kids are loud and don’t take naps like she has to. It can’t help that my computer is in the bedroom and the only place I can hide is in here, with her. It is no wonder we both feel overwhelmed and over stimulated.
I have a toothache. That is, if I am honest, my biggest complaint right now. The rest of the stuff bleeds in to it because on a normal day when I would wake up with a toothache I would be able to stumble in to the bathroom and swallow a couple Advil, climb back in to bed and wait for them to kick in before Mazzy wakes up. This morning there is no Advil because my sister-in-law has been sharing them and it was her turn to buy a new bottle. When she and her husband, the aforementioned thorn in my side, went to the store, he refused to buy another bottle of Advil because he felt that she was abusing it. Which would have been fine if two things had happened: One – if I hadn’t been told that there would be fresh bottle today, leaving me to not make a run myself last night and Two – if I had not woken up with my face swollen and my mood bitchy with no way to get any relief.
While I was writing this, lunch happened and my husband brought me a bottle of Advil. He very ridiculously told me, “Hey, your face is swollen. I think you have a toothache.” Really? Thanks. Moron. The unfortunate thing is that I had already reduced myself to a little self-medication. I took a tiny swig from our bottle of vodka. We have had that bottle for two years and it is just now half-way empty. It was our emergency stash when we realized that we were screwed and the world hated us and we had to not kill each other, somehow. Ha.
Of course, now that I have a toothache Adam realizes he should have taken me up on my offer for loving last night, ovulation or no ovulation. He is going to miss the lovin’ while I am laying around bitching about my stupid tooth.
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