My own personal hell
This morning was an awful experience. It started off simply enough with me arriving too early at the GYN office, too eager to fill out paperwork so that I could get my well woman check over and done with for another year. I scheduled the first appointment of the morning so that I could get in and out. It didn't go that way at all.
I ended up spending two hours in the waiting room surrounded by children and pregnant women. When I averted my eyes I would only be greeted by pictures of babies, both while in the womb and newly delivered. I started becoming overwhelmed. I nearly walked out.
By the time I was finally escorted to the back to visit with my doctor, I was holding back tears. They seated me across from one of those digital picture frames that showed several pictures of families at the postpartum check up. I would have found all of this endearing, once. Today it was like little hot pokers searing me over and over, slicing in to my heart.
Filling out the paperwork was hard. Yes, I have been pregnant. Yes, I have had a child. Yes, that child was born healthy. No, that child is no longer living.
Drama much?
I ended up having to speak the my doctor on a one-on-one basis. We discussed drugs, but I am going to hold off for a while longer. She struggled to find grief counseling for me. I guess that is just the way that it is around here. If an OBGYN can't find grief counseling, how could a person like me, right? She handed me a pamphlet and I felt like an after school special. Weird.
There was a whole bit of time where we just sat in her office and I cried. I felt like a failure. Why did today have to be one of my bad days?! I didn't want to meet a new doctor like a hot mess. We can't change the past.
I have bonded with the new doctor, though. At least I won't have to go through all of that again.
I ended up spending two hours in the waiting room surrounded by children and pregnant women. When I averted my eyes I would only be greeted by pictures of babies, both while in the womb and newly delivered. I started becoming overwhelmed. I nearly walked out.
By the time I was finally escorted to the back to visit with my doctor, I was holding back tears. They seated me across from one of those digital picture frames that showed several pictures of families at the postpartum check up. I would have found all of this endearing, once. Today it was like little hot pokers searing me over and over, slicing in to my heart.
Filling out the paperwork was hard. Yes, I have been pregnant. Yes, I have had a child. Yes, that child was born healthy. No, that child is no longer living.
Drama much?
I ended up having to speak the my doctor on a one-on-one basis. We discussed drugs, but I am going to hold off for a while longer. She struggled to find grief counseling for me. I guess that is just the way that it is around here. If an OBGYN can't find grief counseling, how could a person like me, right? She handed me a pamphlet and I felt like an after school special. Weird.
There was a whole bit of time where we just sat in her office and I cried. I felt like a failure. Why did today have to be one of my bad days?! I didn't want to meet a new doctor like a hot mess. We can't change the past.
I have bonded with the new doctor, though. At least I won't have to go through all of that again.
Comments
I know exactly how you're feeling. All I can say is that next time will be a little easier.
Kimberly