Rambling - because I had to write about something...

It is damned disappointing to sit down and write only to find that there isn't anything worth saying in your head, or your life. I am going to try anyway.

I have been watching a lot of television. I am wanting to get an Netflix cue so that I can start inhaling movies the way that I watch television. I just have to convince Adam that it is a good idea. Convincing Adam of anything is a nightmare....Adam. My husband...

There have been several days when I think my marriage in to the ground. It can't be helped. I know that I choose to be here, in this marriage, and I am happy, but I also know that it isn't quite the fit that it should be. A lot of my life is like that. I am happy. I choose to be here, but there is a cloud over a lot of it, like, "What would happen if I didn't choose this?"

But, never fear, I take choice and obligation very seriously, and my lazy ass isn't going anywhere. I wouldn't want to really love another person. It is a lot of work for me to love. Like, I have to think about it. I had to reprogram myself to be in "love" mode.

Unfortunately, it hasn't quite left me, that need to be free. To be reckless. Does it mean that I never grew up? Do I still have a death wish? Am I just a scared girl who is afraid that good things vanish?

Probably just the last one.

I spent a lot of time making myself open and available to people, to family, early on in my marriage. It is completely against my nature. I just thought that it would be the best thing since I knew, eventually, we would have a child. Children deserve a family experience, even if it means that your cousin will tie you to a tree and leave you there until you pee yourself.*

Now, I don't think I have the drive to put in the effort of maintaining family ties. And that lack of need has sort of been a catalyst for a lot of other behaviors in my life. I do have to wonder if it is all a reaction to losing Mazzy, or if I was going to come back to this eventually, on my own. It probably doesn't matter because this is the scenario we are dealing with right now. The reality of me pulling back and hardening up.

I want fair-weather friends, again. Silly, right? I have amazing, dependable, rock-star friends, but I want people that I only see when I go out. I want to go out, even though I know that Adam would have a coronary because he would be terrified that I would run off and leave him.

'Cause Adam knows that our marriage is a choice that I made. And, sometimes, love is what happens when two people share a life to the exclusion of anyone else.

Go figure.



*True story. My cousin Hank tied me to a tree when I was six and left me there. It was hours before anyone noticed I wasn't in the house. I got the last laugh, I don't have a criminal record and Hank does. Ha!