There needs to be more than just a line in the sand
There's something I left out of the Baby Shower post; Mom spent most of the weekend pestering me about her move. When was Adam getting home? Was he going to help her? When were we borrowing Mike's truck? The "fun" part was that she did it during the baby shower.
When Adam got home we swapped stories about our weekends, even though we had texted one another for most of it, and he didn't like what I had to say about Mom. So, in an effort to expedite some peace in to our lives, he arranged to borrow Mike's truck during his lunch break on Monday morning and prepared to move the rest of Mom's things.
It was at this point that we figured out that she hadn't, in fact, moved all of the little stuff, and there was more than just her bed and dresser to move. I'll come back to that part.
Once Adam let me know that Mike agreed to let us borrow the truck I sorted through our dishes and made stacks for Mom to box up and take with her. I was feeling generous because I thought we were about to be done with all of this mess so I split pretty much everything down the middle, even giving her some of my favorite dishes so that she could feel like she had a set. After I had gotten everything ready I woke her up and told her that Adam was coming at lunch to move her bed and dresser.
She started freaking out.
Mom starts telling me that she wasn't ready and that she had a lot more than just her bed and dresser to move. I was stunned. I had asked her a week before if she was done moving and she said that she'd moved all of the little things she could move in Mae's car. Apparently what she meant was that she was done moving by herself and she wanted us to do it. Big shock.
Anyway, I glossed over the fact that she was nowhere near done and asked her to get boxes out of the garage so that she could move the dishes she'd asked for, even though she originally told me that Mae had given her dishes.
Mom called Mae and borrowed her car so that she could move what Adam didn't have time to move. We only had Mike's truck for half an hour, an hour, tops. We had thought that all she needed help on was the furniture because that's what she told us. I digress.
I was (stupidly) pretty excited that she was going to be gone. I thought that this would be the end of pointless stress.
Mom moved for another hour after Adam went back to work, then suddenly stopped. I checked the room and there was still all kinds of stuff in here, but I just assumed that she was tired and we'd figure out the rest of it later. I expected a phone call in a day, or two, to wrap things up.
The first night without her here was beautiful. We had dinner and watched TV, the same as usual, but there was a smile on our faces. Adam was relaxed. Hermione wasn't barking at every little noise. It was great.
The next day, around noon, my doorbell rings. It's Mom. She starts to tell me this whole story about getting locked out of the new house the day before and how she thought it would be a good idea to break the glass so that she can get in to the house and to her phone. Of course when she breaks the glass it cuts her hand to ribbons. Suddenly she's bleeding on everything and what was a simple annoyance as become and Event.
She has stitches and all kinds of bills, now, and she's not supposed to be lifting anything. I made sympathetic noises, but didn't rise to the bait. It was hard. I mean, who DOES that? Less than twenty-four hours out of my house and she's had a trip to the ER. If she was trying to convince me to let her move back in that was not the way to do it. Being reckless is sort of proving my whole point.
Anyway, she explained that the blood got in her phone and that's why she couldn't call. Mom immediately started pushing me for a day and time when Adam would be able to help her finish moving. I couldn't give her an answer because I didn't have one. Adam's job is really busy right now. He's putting in overtime and he's going to be weekends for a while to get things under control. I told Mom that, but it just made her mad. She left in a huff, throwing over her shoulder that she was getting a new phone and she'd call me later.
A few hours later I got a call from her. There's a new story about switching carriers and paying for a new phone and blah blah blah that makes me cringe. More money she shouldn't be spending for something she can't figure out how to use in the first place. Great.
She started hounding me, "Have you talked to Adam? When is he going to help me?" I tried to explain that he was busy. I said that I had left a message for him and I had texted him, but he wasn't getting back to me. That just seemed to set her off, but before the conversation could come to a reasonable conclusion my call waiting alerted me that Adam was on the other line.
I switched over, but he got called away immediately, so nothing was resolved. Not that it mattered.
Adam came home and we were in the kitchen making dinner together when the doorbell rang. It was Mom. Now, I know that she had a phone because we called on it, so I'm a little pissed that she didn't call first. That was kind of the point, though. She wanted to ruin dinner.
For no reason I can understand she starts moving stuff to the car, the whole time bitching about how she shouldn't be doing it. Here's there thing; Adam was in the kitchen. She could've asked him about his schedule right then, but she chose not to. As far as what she told me the stuff that was in the room wasn't needed right away. Mom was just doing her best to make this as difficult and painful as possible.
We took our plates upstairs to eat and she left at some point. I'm not sure when.
I know, a lot of this sounds like petty whining, but it's taking its toll on us. Adam is so frazzled that he started yelling last night. Adam never yells. Mom is doing her level best to punish us for trying to live our own lives. It's unfair and so stressful.
How do you draw boundaries with a person who only sees her side of things?
We never said that we wouldn't help, we just said that we had to work out a time that worked for Adam. No matter what I say she acts like she heard the complete opposite.
Adam is pushed beyond reason. He wants to throw her stuff out and tell her to never come here again. I thought he was just venting, but he may actually feel this way. I know that family is important, but if that's the stand he wants to make, I'll make it with him.
Today has been quiet, but it's still kind of early. I'm trying to figure out how to approach things. There's a large part of me that wants to warn Mom that she's burning bridges that she won't be able to rebuild any time soon. If she continues to behave in an unhinged way, forcing and pushing and making stupid decisions, we can't allow that sort of instability to be in Nora's life.
I don't want to take a drastic step, but if things keep escalating like this, I'm going to have to do it.
More to come later. It's not like Mom is mellowing out.
When Adam got home we swapped stories about our weekends, even though we had texted one another for most of it, and he didn't like what I had to say about Mom. So, in an effort to expedite some peace in to our lives, he arranged to borrow Mike's truck during his lunch break on Monday morning and prepared to move the rest of Mom's things.
It was at this point that we figured out that she hadn't, in fact, moved all of the little stuff, and there was more than just her bed and dresser to move. I'll come back to that part.
Once Adam let me know that Mike agreed to let us borrow the truck I sorted through our dishes and made stacks for Mom to box up and take with her. I was feeling generous because I thought we were about to be done with all of this mess so I split pretty much everything down the middle, even giving her some of my favorite dishes so that she could feel like she had a set. After I had gotten everything ready I woke her up and told her that Adam was coming at lunch to move her bed and dresser.
She started freaking out.
Mom starts telling me that she wasn't ready and that she had a lot more than just her bed and dresser to move. I was stunned. I had asked her a week before if she was done moving and she said that she'd moved all of the little things she could move in Mae's car. Apparently what she meant was that she was done moving by herself and she wanted us to do it. Big shock.
Anyway, I glossed over the fact that she was nowhere near done and asked her to get boxes out of the garage so that she could move the dishes she'd asked for, even though she originally told me that Mae had given her dishes.
Mom called Mae and borrowed her car so that she could move what Adam didn't have time to move. We only had Mike's truck for half an hour, an hour, tops. We had thought that all she needed help on was the furniture because that's what she told us. I digress.
I was (stupidly) pretty excited that she was going to be gone. I thought that this would be the end of pointless stress.
Mom moved for another hour after Adam went back to work, then suddenly stopped. I checked the room and there was still all kinds of stuff in here, but I just assumed that she was tired and we'd figure out the rest of it later. I expected a phone call in a day, or two, to wrap things up.
The first night without her here was beautiful. We had dinner and watched TV, the same as usual, but there was a smile on our faces. Adam was relaxed. Hermione wasn't barking at every little noise. It was great.
The next day, around noon, my doorbell rings. It's Mom. She starts to tell me this whole story about getting locked out of the new house the day before and how she thought it would be a good idea to break the glass so that she can get in to the house and to her phone. Of course when she breaks the glass it cuts her hand to ribbons. Suddenly she's bleeding on everything and what was a simple annoyance as become and Event.
She has stitches and all kinds of bills, now, and she's not supposed to be lifting anything. I made sympathetic noises, but didn't rise to the bait. It was hard. I mean, who DOES that? Less than twenty-four hours out of my house and she's had a trip to the ER. If she was trying to convince me to let her move back in that was not the way to do it. Being reckless is sort of proving my whole point.
Anyway, she explained that the blood got in her phone and that's why she couldn't call. Mom immediately started pushing me for a day and time when Adam would be able to help her finish moving. I couldn't give her an answer because I didn't have one. Adam's job is really busy right now. He's putting in overtime and he's going to be weekends for a while to get things under control. I told Mom that, but it just made her mad. She left in a huff, throwing over her shoulder that she was getting a new phone and she'd call me later.
A few hours later I got a call from her. There's a new story about switching carriers and paying for a new phone and blah blah blah that makes me cringe. More money she shouldn't be spending for something she can't figure out how to use in the first place. Great.
She started hounding me, "Have you talked to Adam? When is he going to help me?" I tried to explain that he was busy. I said that I had left a message for him and I had texted him, but he wasn't getting back to me. That just seemed to set her off, but before the conversation could come to a reasonable conclusion my call waiting alerted me that Adam was on the other line.
I switched over, but he got called away immediately, so nothing was resolved. Not that it mattered.
Adam came home and we were in the kitchen making dinner together when the doorbell rang. It was Mom. Now, I know that she had a phone because we called on it, so I'm a little pissed that she didn't call first. That was kind of the point, though. She wanted to ruin dinner.
For no reason I can understand she starts moving stuff to the car, the whole time bitching about how she shouldn't be doing it. Here's there thing; Adam was in the kitchen. She could've asked him about his schedule right then, but she chose not to. As far as what she told me the stuff that was in the room wasn't needed right away. Mom was just doing her best to make this as difficult and painful as possible.
We took our plates upstairs to eat and she left at some point. I'm not sure when.
I know, a lot of this sounds like petty whining, but it's taking its toll on us. Adam is so frazzled that he started yelling last night. Adam never yells. Mom is doing her level best to punish us for trying to live our own lives. It's unfair and so stressful.
How do you draw boundaries with a person who only sees her side of things?
We never said that we wouldn't help, we just said that we had to work out a time that worked for Adam. No matter what I say she acts like she heard the complete opposite.
Adam is pushed beyond reason. He wants to throw her stuff out and tell her to never come here again. I thought he was just venting, but he may actually feel this way. I know that family is important, but if that's the stand he wants to make, I'll make it with him.
Today has been quiet, but it's still kind of early. I'm trying to figure out how to approach things. There's a large part of me that wants to warn Mom that she's burning bridges that she won't be able to rebuild any time soon. If she continues to behave in an unhinged way, forcing and pushing and making stupid decisions, we can't allow that sort of instability to be in Nora's life.
I don't want to take a drastic step, but if things keep escalating like this, I'm going to have to do it.
More to come later. It's not like Mom is mellowing out.
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