It's a woman's right (to change her mind)
Adam and I had a talk yesterday about this whole "having a second baby" thing. I love being Nora's mother. I'm looking forward to all of the horrible things to come, but I'm not so sure that I'm ready to have more than one baby.
I'm not sure if it's a hormonal thing, or what, but spending time with Phoenix, Lily, and Seth over the weekend and on Monday solidified the idea that I'm not emotionally ready to take on more kids. I'm short-tempered and instead of being calm and consistent, I was reactive and irritable. It made the time I spent with the kids awful, for all of us.
Lily was needy, which is fairly normal, but instead of being understanding, I was finding reasons to walk out of the room. Mature, right? And when I was in the frame of mind to hang and talk to her she would bring up my "dead oldest daughter." I'm not sure what that kid is hearing at home, but every time she's hear she asks me about death, Mazzy and how I feel about it. Like, she doesn't remember Mazzy anymore. I don't think. I just know that she's hearing stuff to keep it fresh in her mind. And it worries her.
"If a car hits me I might die."
"You might, but I'm not going to let a car get you because I'd miss you."
"Like you miss your dead oldest daughter?"
"Yeah, like that."
"But, I'm not going to die. I'm going to grow up to be a lady."
"You sure are."
"Is Nora going to grow up with me?"
"Yep."
"How can you know? Your other girl died."
"Well, I guess I don't really *know* but I have to have faith that Nora will grow up and be a wonderful woman."
"If God says I have to die I'd go to Heaven and tell him what I really want to be and then I could be a Princess, but I won't do that because I need to stay here and be me. Because I'm lovely."
"Yeah."
So.....anyway, can you say "awkward?" I can. And a few OMG's, too.
Coming off the heels of that day I had Seth on Monday. He was basically feral. Days later I realize that it's partly my fault because I don't play very well with him. He's loud and destructive and horrible to Nora. Instead of wanting to play, I just want him to be quiet for five minutes and stop breaking things. In my head, which is totally wrong, I think that if he could be nice for a little while that it'd be okay to play with him. Awful, right?
It was that sort of immature, unhealthy thinking that made me reevaluate having another child. It's not the child's job to make me want to play with him or her. It's stupid. Maybe if I could play more, keep him busy and less bored, he'd be less of a handful. Maybe he'd mind more.
Maybe.
Being overwhelmed by his two-ness, losing my temper, being generally defeated by a child did horrible things to my psych and I spent the Tuesday and Wednesday crying and whispering "I'm sorry you're stuck with me" to Nora over and over again.
I used to think I was good with kids, but everything I do with Nora tells me that I'm crap. And having Seth basically walk all over me totally sent it home.
I can't change my mind with the kid I've already had, and she's so lovely, but I can definitely not bring another baby in to the world that I will inevitably fail. Messing up one kid should be enough.
Adam did make me promise to think about it once Nora's a bit more settled, but if I suck at being a decent disciplinarian, as I think I will, I'm not risk it. Having an out of control toddler and being pregnant makes me want to claw my face off.
Heh.
I'm not sure if it's a hormonal thing, or what, but spending time with Phoenix, Lily, and Seth over the weekend and on Monday solidified the idea that I'm not emotionally ready to take on more kids. I'm short-tempered and instead of being calm and consistent, I was reactive and irritable. It made the time I spent with the kids awful, for all of us.
Lily was needy, which is fairly normal, but instead of being understanding, I was finding reasons to walk out of the room. Mature, right? And when I was in the frame of mind to hang and talk to her she would bring up my "dead oldest daughter." I'm not sure what that kid is hearing at home, but every time she's hear she asks me about death, Mazzy and how I feel about it. Like, she doesn't remember Mazzy anymore. I don't think. I just know that she's hearing stuff to keep it fresh in her mind. And it worries her.
"If a car hits me I might die."
"You might, but I'm not going to let a car get you because I'd miss you."
"Like you miss your dead oldest daughter?"
"Yeah, like that."
"But, I'm not going to die. I'm going to grow up to be a lady."
"You sure are."
"Is Nora going to grow up with me?"
"Yep."
"How can you know? Your other girl died."
"Well, I guess I don't really *know* but I have to have faith that Nora will grow up and be a wonderful woman."
"If God says I have to die I'd go to Heaven and tell him what I really want to be and then I could be a Princess, but I won't do that because I need to stay here and be me. Because I'm lovely."
"Yeah."
So.....anyway, can you say "awkward?" I can. And a few OMG's, too.
Coming off the heels of that day I had Seth on Monday. He was basically feral. Days later I realize that it's partly my fault because I don't play very well with him. He's loud and destructive and horrible to Nora. Instead of wanting to play, I just want him to be quiet for five minutes and stop breaking things. In my head, which is totally wrong, I think that if he could be nice for a little while that it'd be okay to play with him. Awful, right?
It was that sort of immature, unhealthy thinking that made me reevaluate having another child. It's not the child's job to make me want to play with him or her. It's stupid. Maybe if I could play more, keep him busy and less bored, he'd be less of a handful. Maybe he'd mind more.
Maybe.
Being overwhelmed by his two-ness, losing my temper, being generally defeated by a child did horrible things to my psych and I spent the Tuesday and Wednesday crying and whispering "I'm sorry you're stuck with me" to Nora over and over again.
I used to think I was good with kids, but everything I do with Nora tells me that I'm crap. And having Seth basically walk all over me totally sent it home.
I can't change my mind with the kid I've already had, and she's so lovely, but I can definitely not bring another baby in to the world that I will inevitably fail. Messing up one kid should be enough.
Adam did make me promise to think about it once Nora's a bit more settled, but if I suck at being a decent disciplinarian, as I think I will, I'm not risk it. Having an out of control toddler and being pregnant makes me want to claw my face off.
Heh.
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