Reshaping my life
Sometimes I have an entry floating in my head for days and when I get the time to write it so many other things pop in to my head that I feel that I need to share that I can't actually start my post. Does that happen to anyone else?
Once in a while in my life I feel sort of abandoned by the people around me because it's as if they are always moving forward and I'm stuck waiting on them to have time for me again. Ever since Nora was born I've felt sort of left out, but it isn't the usual New Baby syndrome making me feel that way. I stopped receiving phone calls and visitors and even my text messages have sort of petered out. It's upsetting, but rather than letting it bring me down I've been keeping myself busy.
I've been focused on housework and playing with Nora. I've also been doing a lot of reading and I crocheted Adam a blanket with my spare yarn. Hooray for productivity.
It's been really difficult to keep myself distracted because Adam has been so adamant about keeping Nora in the house. This means that I can't leave, either. He hasn't let me take her for a quick coffee or a car ride or anything. If I didn't get to go grocery shopping on the weekends I'd never step foot out of the house. It's making me snappy and Adam is catching hell at home, but he's not budging. If he keeps this up I won't be allowed out of the house until Nora is weaned and I can leave her with him while I'm out. I'm not planning on weaning her until she's six months old so that I can wean her to a sippy cup, skipping a bottle all together. For those of you counting, that's three more months away.
I guess I should skip the part where I complain a whole lot about my husband because the fact remains that as long as I put up with it this situation is my fault. I'm just not ready to fight him on this because I know that he's just not ready to risk Nora and now that flu season is upon us, I suppose I have to agree with him. I can wait.
Now that I've accepted that my life is now going to take place entirely within these walls how to spend my time? Well, next month I'm going to participate in National Novel Writing Month for the first time. It's 50,000 words in 30 days and I'm pretty sure that means that I won't be doing anything else. The idea is, for me, to get my brain working and seeing exactly how much time I can devote to writing while maintaining my housewife duties and caring for Nora. This first year will be a throw-away for me. I'm not outlining, or plotting, ahead of time. I haven't felt creative for years but I think using this opportunity to just write and not think about it will open up my mind. Writing begets writing and I want to be more accomplished at this.
In the past when my life got like this; everyone too busy to pay attention to me and Adam dragging me down emotionally, I became destructive and full of self-loathing. I'm done with that. I won't be that woman. I have to set an example for Nora, you know?
I just have to hope that I'm making the right decision.
In other news, Nora laughs. It's no longer a rusty trombone. She has a throaty giggle and I love it. Who doesn't love a baby laughing? Everyone else may have abandoned me and Adam may be taking out his stress on me in really hurtful ways right now, but Nora thinks I'm hilarious. Life is pretty good.
Once in a while in my life I feel sort of abandoned by the people around me because it's as if they are always moving forward and I'm stuck waiting on them to have time for me again. Ever since Nora was born I've felt sort of left out, but it isn't the usual New Baby syndrome making me feel that way. I stopped receiving phone calls and visitors and even my text messages have sort of petered out. It's upsetting, but rather than letting it bring me down I've been keeping myself busy.
I've been focused on housework and playing with Nora. I've also been doing a lot of reading and I crocheted Adam a blanket with my spare yarn. Hooray for productivity.
It's been really difficult to keep myself distracted because Adam has been so adamant about keeping Nora in the house. This means that I can't leave, either. He hasn't let me take her for a quick coffee or a car ride or anything. If I didn't get to go grocery shopping on the weekends I'd never step foot out of the house. It's making me snappy and Adam is catching hell at home, but he's not budging. If he keeps this up I won't be allowed out of the house until Nora is weaned and I can leave her with him while I'm out. I'm not planning on weaning her until she's six months old so that I can wean her to a sippy cup, skipping a bottle all together. For those of you counting, that's three more months away.
I guess I should skip the part where I complain a whole lot about my husband because the fact remains that as long as I put up with it this situation is my fault. I'm just not ready to fight him on this because I know that he's just not ready to risk Nora and now that flu season is upon us, I suppose I have to agree with him. I can wait.
Now that I've accepted that my life is now going to take place entirely within these walls how to spend my time? Well, next month I'm going to participate in National Novel Writing Month for the first time. It's 50,000 words in 30 days and I'm pretty sure that means that I won't be doing anything else. The idea is, for me, to get my brain working and seeing exactly how much time I can devote to writing while maintaining my housewife duties and caring for Nora. This first year will be a throw-away for me. I'm not outlining, or plotting, ahead of time. I haven't felt creative for years but I think using this opportunity to just write and not think about it will open up my mind. Writing begets writing and I want to be more accomplished at this.
In the past when my life got like this; everyone too busy to pay attention to me and Adam dragging me down emotionally, I became destructive and full of self-loathing. I'm done with that. I won't be that woman. I have to set an example for Nora, you know?
I just have to hope that I'm making the right decision.
In other news, Nora laughs. It's no longer a rusty trombone. She has a throaty giggle and I love it. Who doesn't love a baby laughing? Everyone else may have abandoned me and Adam may be taking out his stress on me in really hurtful ways right now, but Nora thinks I'm hilarious. Life is pretty good.
Comments
I am really sorry you are feeling that way. You have got to get out of the house. This is not healthy. Does Adam make you keep Nora at home so she doesn't get sick? I'm also curious why you want to wean at 6 months? Things seem to be going so well? It's super beneficial, you know - just wondered why you'd want to stop then and not go to a year or beyond? No pressure!! Just curious. :)
I just feel like you need to see some other people, breathe a little different air, eat a special meal you didn't have to prepare. Is there a mom's group you could hook up with online and hang out in person? could you host a friend or two at your house? I'm just brainstorming...I'd be seriously depressed if I was at home all the time. Maybe that isn't the case for you!
Breastmilk is a great immunity boost and protector for Nora - you could do some Vit D drops too. Tri Vi Sol or Poly vi sol.
It seems like with a small little group you'd be better able to control like ok, if you're sick, you can't some here - wash hands, etc. etc.?? again..just brainstorming. I can't imagine the fear that must constantly exist there..always there in your mind. I'm so sorry.
As for the friend thing..I wonder if now that you've had the baby people feel like you might want time to yourself? Sometimes when I feel like nobody invites me over or to anything I remember that I haven't invited them over or to do anything in a long time.
hugs hugs.
much love.
Re: Weaning
We settled on six months for a variety of reasons. First and foremost we didn't anticipate it going well this time since I never really got the hang of it with Mazzy. I got mastitis multiple times before we chose to wean her at three months, with only night and morning feedings until she was six months old.
Yes, I'm doing much better and I think we can call this a success, but my ability to bargain is thwarted because at 3.5 months old Nora's still eating every 1-2 hours during the day and most nights. I have never successfully pumped, so that means that she sort of has to stay with me. She doesn't seem willing to spread it out anymore than that. Adam has a complicated relationship with breastfeeding and is entirely uncomfortable with me feeding in public. Seriously uncomfortable. I think if he didn't believe it was better for Nora to get breast milk for a period of time he'd pitch a fit and never let me breastfeed at all.
I was hoping that by six months old she'd only be eating a handful of times a day so that I could leave her with him for short periods of time so that he could get the alone time that he craves with her. If she was sleeping through the night and only eating six times a day instead of, say, 15 (which is what she's averaging right now) I'd be able to keep the breastfeeding going for a year. Adam is also really concerned about her teething on her boobs.
I should mention that Adam was molested/sexually assaulted as a child and has a complicated relationship with women and perceived sexual organs. He can't separate the two. If I'm using my breasts to feed we can't have sex. We don't have sex when I'm pregnant for the same reason; my body is making a child and it should be completely separate from sexual activity.
Anyway, it's probably my place to stand up for what I want, but I feel that compromise is a better solution in the long-term of my marriage.
Re: Immunity
Nora is on extra vitamins and I know she's okay. Me, I'd expose her to some cooties to build her up, but Adam isn't in the emotionally place to willing risk her getting sick and I'm doing what I can to respect and support that. It's hard, because I think he's crazy, but it has to be done right now. I'm giving him one year to be stupid/nuts about the baby. That's it.
My friends are literally too busy right now. I really only have three friends. Charlotte is working and going to school full-time with two kids. Val is working 50+ hours and helping plan a wedding for the end of this month. Jenn is working, going to school and planning the wedding I'm in for December. Everyone is just literally too busy.
As for my family, they're busy and dumb. LOL My mom is mad because we won't let her move in and she's trying to punish me by ignoring Nora. Reba, Adam's mom, has been dealing with teeth issues and won't come around until they're pulled because they hurt and she's embarrassed with how she has to chew. The rest of them just are young and really involved with their own lives.
As for me going to a support group go back to Immunity and read that. LOL Also, we only have one car and I sort of don't have a way of going around Adam on any of this. If I had my own car I'd just take her out and we'd walk around the mall in a covered stroller so I could be active and see people. (It's still too hot to do much walking in the neighborhood around here.)
Re: Sharing my feelings
Adam knows what I'm feeling to some extent. He knows that I'm feeling trapped, and he's apologized, but he's not willing to compromise on this. I have two great character flaws: one is that I'm completely understanding and the second is that I'm not very good at standing up for myself in personal relationships.
I can always see how another person is feeling and I tend to change my actions so they aren't hurt or bothered. I have a way of thinking that I can sacrifice my own needs in favor of the other person in the equation; be it Adam, my mother, or my friends. This behavior can create a perfect storm of disaster because I'm nearly incapable of asking for things more than once.
It's like this: I'll tell someone (like Adam in this situation) that I need something (support, attention, a cookie) and they'll respond with why they can't give it to me (too knackered themselves, too busy, not enough supplies to make cookie dough) and I understand try to fill in their need. Lately this means that I stop asking for support and I go out of my way to give it; I fill in my need for attention with things - books, crochet, writing, Nora; and I'm learning to bake my own cookies.
Eventually it'll work itself out. Somehow.
Or I'll snap like a proverbial twig and it'll be a mess. :D
My captcha whatever thing is "coties" hahahhaa!!!