R-E-S-P-E-C-T
I have been thinking a lot about respect lately. How do you earn respect? How do you express your respect for another person? What is the difference between the respect a child and parent should have and the respect partners should have for each other? How do you explain these differences to a child? How important is your personal relationship with your partner in portraying the proper idea about respect to your son, or daughter?
Do you have opinions, suggestions? My brain is whirling and swirling with opinions, but I am fairly certain that I am being close-minded about things and would love to hear outside input.
Do you have opinions, suggestions? My brain is whirling and swirling with opinions, but I am fairly certain that I am being close-minded about things and would love to hear outside input.
Comments
google shows quite a few definitions for respect, which makes sense, but I think what they all boil down to is "respect means you believe that the other person has value and are therefore willing to consider them when making decisions".
Sample: I have no respect for my coworker Adam; I believe him to be totally incompetent. On the few opportunities that he's put forth an opinion on work related subjects, I didn't pay much attention, and did not consider it when forming my own opinion on the matter. My coworker Richard, however, I have a lot of respect for (even if I think he's an asshole). When he says something about a subject related to work, I pay close attention and it has changed my mind on things more than once.
Sample: I respect my parents. I pay attention to what they say about life, even though I disagree with them strongly in a lot of areas. I still listen. They are worth arguing with.
Sample: I respect my children. When they say "that hurts" or "I really really don't want to do that" I take that into consideration. If it's "I really really don't want to take a bath after playing in the mud", I take that into account by working with them to do a bath/shower hybrid that's fast. But I show them that they have worth by respecting them. I believe I am teaching them to be respectful to those that they have power over - by modeling it to them.
Sample: I respect my partner. We try, very hard, to take each other's unique needs into account. We sometimes discuss these things, and come to compromises, in front of the children. They see us disagreeing on things, and still caring about and for each other. I believe this is how we're teaching them respect for their peers.
Sample: My partner and I demand that the children treat us respectfully. We don't allow them to injure us, or to call us names, or threaten us. We require them to say please and thank you, and generally have manners. I snapped at my mother on the phone a few months ago - apparently the tone in my voice coupled with the short answers I gave her while we were all driving in the car could easily give the impression that I thought she was stupid or something. After I hung up the phone, my partner told me that when we got home, I needed to call my mother back and apologize, as I had been rude and disrespectful. I argued a little, but she was pretty firm on it. And I did call my mom back after I had gotten a snack and we had unloaded the car. My mom said it wasn't really a big deal, but I think it was important that it happened around the kids, because it shows them that part of respect is being willing to humble yourself to the person you respect.
It's really all about acknowledging the other person as someone who matters.
How does that work when the child is already in the habit of communicating disrespectfully with success? How do you teach a child that you require respect, even if their parent(s) seem unconcerned? Is it even your place? Thoughts?
If they are not yet kindergarden age, you can probably just start with "That's rude! Instead, do it this way"
It's important that they have an alternative way to express their feelings - the goal isn't to tell them that they're not important, but to make them realize that their behavior tells you that you aren't.
I agree that respect is definitely something that is earned, but a lot of expressing yourself as some one who deserves respect comes from what you put into a situation. I believe that you only truly get respect when you do two main things - that is you are willing to give respect in turn and that you present yourself in a way that expresses that you demand/deserve that respect. Respect for me is associated a lot with merit and worth.
I express my respect for another person differently depending on the person. Time and effort are two things I find that I have very little of, but those that I respect get more of it than most. I guess that is the major way I express it directly.
The respect from child-to-parent versus partner-to-partner is different in same way Love for those people in our lives is different. It's not any less important than the love we share for those people in our lives, but for me, my ability to love my partner is tied into my ability to respect him a whole lot more versus the child relationship. Does that make sense? There are certain people that will remain nameless that I just don't get the majority of the time because I don't see how they could possibly really love each other when they have NO respect for what the other person wants or needs, but whatever. I only have to deal with that when I'm playing "therapist" for them.
It's hard for me to really explain the child/parent thing since I'm not on the parent end (yet). But I can say, the fact that I don't really "respect" my mother as much as I probably could matters. I will always love my mother, no matter what, but I don't find it so essential for me to respect or agree with all of her issues and life choices. If I did, I would be bat-shit crazy and would expect you as my friend to shoot me on the spot.
Explanation for respect to others in my opinion is similar to how I think most things are taught and learned. We absorb more by seeing the action rather than having it just explained. Monkey see - monkey do - in the simplest terms, but that's not the only bit of the equation. I believe people learn from other's actions but at the same time need an instruction environment of curbing behavior constructively if it's outside of what's right/wrong or expected.
I think it's super important what a child is exposed to in the matter of his/her parents' personal relationship. Parents are our examples in that. It's really our first look at what to expect in our future partner. Unfortunately it can go either way.... for me I learned what "NOT" to do the hard way from my mother, but luckily had a lot of parental influence from my grandparents and their marriage. It starts us on the road of how we expect to treat others and how we react to others in the simplest sense. There's a lot of general personality difference of course of each person, but I think a lot of person's respect issues (both what they give and what they think they deserve) are grounded in the basic principles of what we're constantly exposed to. Like me - I am pretty abrasive and aggressive at front because I've grown up in a family environment where I had to fight for myself a LOT. I do have a soft, happy, lovey side that people I love AND respect get to see a bit of here and there. I still fight a lot with myself when I feel like someone is "disrespecting" me because I don't ever want to be like my mom, who's the sweetest person I've ever who still doesn't think she's worth respect - a bright-sunny doormat. I don't blame her for my childhood or the bitchy person I can be most/some of the time, but I know that I developed a lot of it from watching some one who refused to have a little back bone and didn't really command to be thought much of by her partner(s). Not everyone in my situation would have grown said back bone for themselves and would go on living life expecting the abuse as an expression of love and respect, as fucked up as that sounds.
Respect is showing a person that you care enough that they matter to you - as cheesy as saying "You're special in my life" sounds - and really, getting the same in return.
OK it's late, and this is already too long.
Hope it makes sense and I LOVE YOU! :D