Doing it out of habit
We brought in the New Year with a Twilight Zone marathon on Sci-fi. Adam has watched it every year since we got married. I still don’t enjoy it.
Mom and I went outside, for a bit, to watch the neighbors shoot fireworks. The light show scared our dogs, so we ended up having to sit holding shaking Shih Tzu’s until the wee hours of the night. Fun.
Adam and I were in bed when the clock hit midnight. We said, “Happy New Year” and kissed one another, rolled over, and went to sleep. It seemed hard to celebrate. We had high hopes last year. I am afraid to hope for anything this year. I just want to get through another year. I think that will be an accomplishment, at this rate.
Since having Mazzy I had retired my mp3 player. I wasn’t comfortable walking around the house with earphones in, in case she needed me, so I tucked the item away. Today I pulled it out and tucked the world-blocking ear buds in my ears and waited. I waited for it to block out the sound of my thoughts or to ease the tight spot in my gut where I hold all of my pain and it didn’t happen. It helped to block out the quiet. Our house is so quiet, now, but I can’t tell, so I suppose they are doing what they are supposed to do.
My sister-in-law’s sister had her two youngest children removed from her home yesterday. Hayley is nearly two and Cheyenne is, maybe, six weeks old. Stef called me and I listened, but my first reaction was to hang up. I was so angry that Mazzy had to die and this person who would rather get high than take care of her daughters is getting another chance. There was talk of Adam and I getting involved, but I am hoping that it doesn’t come to that. We are not anywhere close to being able to help people right now. We would love to save the world, but we are barely getting out of bed in the morning, so it is safe to say that we aren’t useful.
It is funny how that quick reaction happens. Most of the time I am rational and loving, but once in a while I want to scream. I go straight to searing pain. I am struggling to accept that I am starting this year without Mazzy.
I haven’t decided how I feel about 2008. I had to go through it so that I could have Mazzy at all, but it was definitely the hardest year of my life. Well, one month. December 2008 is going down as the hardest month in my life. I don’t want to feel like the whole year was a waste. I was the happiest I have ever been during 2008. I wish I could always focus on that.
I have continued to work on my short story. I haven’t chickened out, yet. I would be proud, but I am not quite there, yet. I am more pleased that I have eaten every day. I have quit smoking. I held on to it as long as I felt like I needed a crutch. I have transferred my crutch to Snow Bear. He is used to that role. I hold him when I would rather cry. I have no idea what will happen in 2009. I can say that I have deal with whatever comes with as much strength and dignity as I can muster.
Mom and I went outside, for a bit, to watch the neighbors shoot fireworks. The light show scared our dogs, so we ended up having to sit holding shaking Shih Tzu’s until the wee hours of the night. Fun.
Adam and I were in bed when the clock hit midnight. We said, “Happy New Year” and kissed one another, rolled over, and went to sleep. It seemed hard to celebrate. We had high hopes last year. I am afraid to hope for anything this year. I just want to get through another year. I think that will be an accomplishment, at this rate.
Since having Mazzy I had retired my mp3 player. I wasn’t comfortable walking around the house with earphones in, in case she needed me, so I tucked the item away. Today I pulled it out and tucked the world-blocking ear buds in my ears and waited. I waited for it to block out the sound of my thoughts or to ease the tight spot in my gut where I hold all of my pain and it didn’t happen. It helped to block out the quiet. Our house is so quiet, now, but I can’t tell, so I suppose they are doing what they are supposed to do.
My sister-in-law’s sister had her two youngest children removed from her home yesterday. Hayley is nearly two and Cheyenne is, maybe, six weeks old. Stef called me and I listened, but my first reaction was to hang up. I was so angry that Mazzy had to die and this person who would rather get high than take care of her daughters is getting another chance. There was talk of Adam and I getting involved, but I am hoping that it doesn’t come to that. We are not anywhere close to being able to help people right now. We would love to save the world, but we are barely getting out of bed in the morning, so it is safe to say that we aren’t useful.
It is funny how that quick reaction happens. Most of the time I am rational and loving, but once in a while I want to scream. I go straight to searing pain. I am struggling to accept that I am starting this year without Mazzy.
I haven’t decided how I feel about 2008. I had to go through it so that I could have Mazzy at all, but it was definitely the hardest year of my life. Well, one month. December 2008 is going down as the hardest month in my life. I don’t want to feel like the whole year was a waste. I was the happiest I have ever been during 2008. I wish I could always focus on that.
I have continued to work on my short story. I haven’t chickened out, yet. I would be proud, but I am not quite there, yet. I am more pleased that I have eaten every day. I have quit smoking. I held on to it as long as I felt like I needed a crutch. I have transferred my crutch to Snow Bear. He is used to that role. I hold him when I would rather cry. I have no idea what will happen in 2009. I can say that I have deal with whatever comes with as much strength and dignity as I can muster.
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