My head is all full of bees

Today is a big day. Today we get Mazzy back in the form of ash in bone in a lovely red container. No, it is not the ideal way to get my daughter back, but at least that part of waiting is over. See, despite dying on the thirteenth of December, the funeral home couldn’t get the permit signed by the judge to have her cremated until Tuesday of this week. It doesn’t paint a very pretty visual, so I don’t want you to think about it, okay? Trust me, it hurts.

I am finally starting to unsubscribe to all of the baby-related emails that come to me every day. You may not know this, but when you have a baby you get put on all of these lists and you get newsletters and coupons and they help you remember how old your baby is, how that baby is developing in relation to other babies the same age, they pretty much walk you through every stage in your child’s life. They are great. I just don’t think they are so great, now. I just got the one about “Preparing for your child’s first birthday” and I just about threw up. It wasn’t like I had forgotten that Mazzy’s birthday would be coming up, but, damn, thanks for the punch in the gut so early in the morning.

Now I am sitting here wishing that wishes worked. Tears are streaking my face, I have that lovely stuffy-snotty nose that is the opposite of attractive and I am pretty sure my hair is still sticking up from where I slept weird last night. Slow down, fellas! I am taken.

That song that Adam made up to sing to Mazzy is stuck in my head. I have music playing, but all I can hear is my husband’s adorable off-key Daddy love song in my head.