This is where I am at, for today, at least....
It has been a rough patch of time for me lately. I let all of ‘this’ drag me down. I became so heavy with the loss and the hopelessness that I didn’t do much more than zombie my way through my day.
In an effort to overcome that, I went out with friends on Monday. We saw He’s Just Not That Into You. It was equal parts painful and funny. I suppose there are women like the main character portrayed in the movie, but I don’t associate with people like that, so I can’t say for sure how accurate the whole thing was. I did have a good time with my girls, Val and Jen. They are lots of fun and worth any lost sleep. (Although it was an early movie, I didn’t get home until ten, which is ridiculously late for me.)
Work is still a struggle. My mental state has been affecting my physical state, resulting in days where I spend a large portion of my time in the bathroom, either huddled over the toilet throwing up, or pooing. My system has a safety clause when I am too stressed wherein it makes me pause. And I expel stress. Just in a solid form. Disgusting, right?
I have tried to focus on positive things, but there don’t seem to be many out there. The economy is horrendous. My job seems constantly on the line. I hate that it is just such a numbers game. Of course, the fact that I make my living in the whole retail/customer service/food service industry is part of the suck. We are dependant on a society’s willingness to spend money. My company has more than enough stores to choose from, so everything trickles down, I guess.
Yesterday I learned that my store is not on the immediate chopping block, so that has helped things, but the fear is still there. It is hard to make plans for the future when you don’t know how long you will have money coming in.
Every day is steeped in pain. I watch the news, like a fool, and there are children dying everywhere. There are wars and disaster and people hurting. It is rare that I find anything uplifting in the news. So….
I spend more time watching television. Escapism. It is good for the (lack of) soul. I have a list on things on the DVR that I can watch while I am doing laundry and picking up the house today. I have worked the last eight days straight, so I haven’t been putting as much attention in to my house. Well, and it is hard to be prideful of something that no one sees.
Adam and I are doing all right. We have patches where things are HARD. We don’t talk, sometimes for days, and then it blows up in to a release of tension. I am getting used to the pattern. It has just been an adjustment. We were communicating much better before. I suppose that marriage is just like that, with its ebbs and flows, but it feels more urgent because I know that we are ‘going through something.’ I feel like I need to be more diligent, letting fewer things go because it may be indicative of something larger, more sinister. I won't accept losing him because I wasn't trying. I refuse to have that conversation when I do see Mazzy. You know, "Hey, sorry, but Daddy and I divorced. But it Totally wasn't your fault." Can kids have neurosis in the afterlife? I so don't want to find out.
There has been a conscience effort to only deal with people and things that will be of benefit in my life. I have trimmed the fat from relationships that were too complex to feel good about.
Despite having some residual guilt, knowing that we are out of the mess has been good. It has been a relief.
It has been scary.
I can only hope that we will be able to maintain this autonomy from the family drama for a while longer. It has meant not only keeping the phone shut off, but I haven’t been checking the messages. Why bother? It is people looking for money from people that don’t live here, or people thinking they are going to ‘help.’ I have been extremely wary of anyone trying to touch base, just waiting for their hand to fall out and open.
I panic, a bit, at the thought of someone asking for help. I don’t have the energy, the money or the heart. I am definitely not going to be able to handle the situation very well. I have played it out, a couple of times, and it usually ends with me screaming that if we hadn’t been trying to ‘help’ the whole fucking world I might have had more time to spend with my daughter while she was alive.
So, yeah, I avoid the conversation.
In an effort to overcome that, I went out with friends on Monday. We saw He’s Just Not That Into You. It was equal parts painful and funny. I suppose there are women like the main character portrayed in the movie, but I don’t associate with people like that, so I can’t say for sure how accurate the whole thing was. I did have a good time with my girls, Val and Jen. They are lots of fun and worth any lost sleep. (Although it was an early movie, I didn’t get home until ten, which is ridiculously late for me.)
Work is still a struggle. My mental state has been affecting my physical state, resulting in days where I spend a large portion of my time in the bathroom, either huddled over the toilet throwing up, or pooing. My system has a safety clause when I am too stressed wherein it makes me pause. And I expel stress. Just in a solid form. Disgusting, right?
I have tried to focus on positive things, but there don’t seem to be many out there. The economy is horrendous. My job seems constantly on the line. I hate that it is just such a numbers game. Of course, the fact that I make my living in the whole retail/customer service/food service industry is part of the suck. We are dependant on a society’s willingness to spend money. My company has more than enough stores to choose from, so everything trickles down, I guess.
Yesterday I learned that my store is not on the immediate chopping block, so that has helped things, but the fear is still there. It is hard to make plans for the future when you don’t know how long you will have money coming in.
Every day is steeped in pain. I watch the news, like a fool, and there are children dying everywhere. There are wars and disaster and people hurting. It is rare that I find anything uplifting in the news. So….
I spend more time watching television. Escapism. It is good for the (lack of) soul. I have a list on things on the DVR that I can watch while I am doing laundry and picking up the house today. I have worked the last eight days straight, so I haven’t been putting as much attention in to my house. Well, and it is hard to be prideful of something that no one sees.
Adam and I are doing all right. We have patches where things are HARD. We don’t talk, sometimes for days, and then it blows up in to a release of tension. I am getting used to the pattern. It has just been an adjustment. We were communicating much better before. I suppose that marriage is just like that, with its ebbs and flows, but it feels more urgent because I know that we are ‘going through something.’ I feel like I need to be more diligent, letting fewer things go because it may be indicative of something larger, more sinister. I won't accept losing him because I wasn't trying. I refuse to have that conversation when I do see Mazzy. You know, "Hey, sorry, but Daddy and I divorced. But it Totally wasn't your fault." Can kids have neurosis in the afterlife? I so don't want to find out.
There has been a conscience effort to only deal with people and things that will be of benefit in my life. I have trimmed the fat from relationships that were too complex to feel good about.
Despite having some residual guilt, knowing that we are out of the mess has been good. It has been a relief.
It has been scary.
I can only hope that we will be able to maintain this autonomy from the family drama for a while longer. It has meant not only keeping the phone shut off, but I haven’t been checking the messages. Why bother? It is people looking for money from people that don’t live here, or people thinking they are going to ‘help.’ I have been extremely wary of anyone trying to touch base, just waiting for their hand to fall out and open.
I panic, a bit, at the thought of someone asking for help. I don’t have the energy, the money or the heart. I am definitely not going to be able to handle the situation very well. I have played it out, a couple of times, and it usually ends with me screaming that if we hadn’t been trying to ‘help’ the whole fucking world I might have had more time to spend with my daughter while she was alive.
So, yeah, I avoid the conversation.
Comments
Hope you find this helpful in your quest to find some thing positive in this very negative world...ps... this is the best advice I ever got..."DON'T WATCH THE NEWS", if it is something you need to know, trust me, someone will tell you...truly NO NEWS "IS" GOOD NEWS.......
I think you and Adam will be OK. Everything you've said sounds completely normal and expected. For the first year after we lost our baby we had a lot of fights... a LOT, when we rarely had them before. It wasn't anything to worry about.
If you're looking for some escapism, might I suggest Sweet Valley High books? I ebayed them when I was under stress, and they were good for giving me something silly to focus on.
*hugs*