Realigned
I have been really relaxed since being home. All of my ridiculous cleaning projects are giving me a sense of peace that I had been seriously lacking. Maybe it is a sign on my declining mind, but I think that all of the extra time to work through things has been beneficial.
Most of my adult life has been spent pursuing the next entertaining thing, as though being caught inside my mind was a bad thing, and, for a long time, it was. I can honestly say that I am not trying to run anymore. In fact, compelling myself to venture outside the house to give my attention to anyone except my husband and my close friends is nearly impossible.
Last week my sister-in-law gave birth to my nephew.
That morning, following Seth's birth, I was notified that Mazzy's death certificate was ready. Adam and I picked it up that night. We weren't up for visiting that night, so we put it off. Saturday we could have visited, but Seth was still in NICU and we still weren't up for that, so we went to IKEA instead.
That little change sort of facilitated other changes. I am sure that other people do this sort of thing all of the time, but Adam and I never have chosen our plans or choices over family obligation.
Friday was the big June Birthday celebration dinner at Asian City (free sushi and sake for those who attend) and we chose to see UP instead. Such freedom! It was as though the world changed color and my life had a different path. A different meaning.
You mean I don't have to wrap my whole life around other people's agendas? And I won't get punished for it?
I haven't had a tantrum in over a week. I have barely gathered enough energy to be cranky. It is a miracle.
We did, eventually, make it over to meet Seth. He is a spry little guy, considering he spent a week in NICU.
Admittedly, it was strange seeing Adam holding a baby, again. Seth was just as fascinated with Adam's long, Alien-like fingers. I changed his diaper and his onesie. It wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be. I had sort of shut down any instinct that I had with children since Mazzy's death. In my head I had built it up like I would be completely lost.
People have insinuated that me quitting my job was, like, some big breakdown that only going to drag me down this emo-filled, shame spiral and I wasn't going to be able to escape. I disagree.
Most of my adult life has been spent pursuing the next entertaining thing, as though being caught inside my mind was a bad thing, and, for a long time, it was. I can honestly say that I am not trying to run anymore. In fact, compelling myself to venture outside the house to give my attention to anyone except my husband and my close friends is nearly impossible.
Last week my sister-in-law gave birth to my nephew.
That morning, following Seth's birth, I was notified that Mazzy's death certificate was ready. Adam and I picked it up that night. We weren't up for visiting that night, so we put it off. Saturday we could have visited, but Seth was still in NICU and we still weren't up for that, so we went to IKEA instead. That little change sort of facilitated other changes. I am sure that other people do this sort of thing all of the time, but Adam and I never have chosen our plans or choices over family obligation.
Friday was the big June Birthday celebration dinner at Asian City (free sushi and sake for those who attend) and we chose to see UP instead. Such freedom! It was as though the world changed color and my life had a different path. A different meaning.
You mean I don't have to wrap my whole life around other people's agendas? And I won't get punished for it?
I haven't had a tantrum in over a week. I have barely gathered enough energy to be cranky. It is a miracle.
We did, eventually, make it over to meet Seth. He is a spry little guy, considering he spent a week in NICU.
Admittedly, it was strange seeing Adam holding a baby, again. Seth was just as fascinated with Adam's long, Alien-like fingers. I changed his diaper and his onesie. It wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be. I had sort of shut down any instinct that I had with children since Mazzy's death. In my head I had built it up like I would be completely lost.
People have insinuated that me quitting my job was, like, some big breakdown that only going to drag me down this emo-filled, shame spiral and I wasn't going to be able to escape. I disagree.
Comments
I still wish I could give you a vacation, though.