Thoughts on sttuff
It's been weird. I think it's supposed to be weird. I've dealt with things that I didn't anticipate. Like, I can't sing "You are my sunshine" to Nora because it's too hard. I still cry and I don't think that's very soothing for a sleepy/cranky baby. It's such an innocent, sweet song, but it can hit too close to home. Instead I sing my version of "Hush Little Baby" and we're making that work.
I spent an unhealthy amount of time looking for me in my daughter. I'm not there. It's all Adam and his mother with a smattering of Adam's dad (she's dark like him.) I'm to a place where I can accept her, now, and that's a great feeling. I don't want to be looking for anything. I just want to love Nora.
We're getting to know each other better, Nora and I, and it's beautiful. I'm not freaking out and she's screaming less. I really struggled with all of the screaming because it was like being rejected. I was already so raw, processing the guilt from giving birth to another baby and loving her, so that extra push was a bit much for me. I knew it was impossible, but I wanted Nora to come out and love me instantly. Silly, unhealthy, and totally wrong, but that's the truth. Luckily Nora was smart enough to be the Angry Badger I've grown to love and I know that I'll cherish this challenge more than having had an easy baby that filled a role and wasn't a whole person. I need whole people in my life.
Speaking of my darling tyrant, I can hear her waking up in the other room. I better tend to that.
I spent an unhealthy amount of time looking for me in my daughter. I'm not there. It's all Adam and his mother with a smattering of Adam's dad (she's dark like him.) I'm to a place where I can accept her, now, and that's a great feeling. I don't want to be looking for anything. I just want to love Nora.
We're getting to know each other better, Nora and I, and it's beautiful. I'm not freaking out and she's screaming less. I really struggled with all of the screaming because it was like being rejected. I was already so raw, processing the guilt from giving birth to another baby and loving her, so that extra push was a bit much for me. I knew it was impossible, but I wanted Nora to come out and love me instantly. Silly, unhealthy, and totally wrong, but that's the truth. Luckily Nora was smart enough to be the Angry Badger I've grown to love and I know that I'll cherish this challenge more than having had an easy baby that filled a role and wasn't a whole person. I need whole people in my life.
Speaking of my darling tyrant, I can hear her waking up in the other room. I better tend to that.
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