Limbo
Lately I have had a hard time handling some of my first time mom emotions. I am not having trouble with the mechanics of taking care of a child for the first time, but, rather, the extremely difficult nature of the mother-daughter relationship. Not me and Mazzy, of course, but me and my own mother.
Reading up on it hasn't seemed to help. All of the suggestions are great and I chant things in my head over and over again to try and ease the paranoid overreaction that always comes up during a visit with my mom.
My first step has been to walk away when she is here, doing my best to find other things to do in the house so that Mom can visit with Mazzy without me interfering or 'ruining' their visit with my influence. Unfortunately there are only so many things I can do around the house and not be aware of what is going on in the other room.
I have also managed to let several things drop that bug me about the way that my mom interacts with Mazzy. Mom isn't a bad woman, or anything, but she does things differently from how I would do things and while I feel it is important for the two of them to find a bonding ritual that works for them, I want to correct her, or give her suggestions that might put Mazzy in a better mood. Not keeping my mouth shut is probably the hardest part of the visits. I am very vocal and Mom has a way of pushing buttons.
Inevitably, I fail. Before Mom is able to get out the door, I have lost my temper about something and Mom gets her feelings hurt. It just seems so unavoidable.
I can't seem to resist the urge to explain my daughter, or prod my mother in to trying something that might actually work. I can't seem to take a step back and let Mom try whatever she wants because I am (irrationally) terrified that she is going to mess Mazzy up forever.
I have to wonder if all of this is normal, or if I am going to need a few more years of therapy to get to a healthy place with my mom. Will the tension between me and my mother affect the way that Mazzy views her Nona? Will I have enough sense to leave my daughter alone, unless she asks for help, when she is a first-time mother?
In the meantime I feel like a complete failure. I can only hope that I am able to find a balance, and soon.
Reading up on it hasn't seemed to help. All of the suggestions are great and I chant things in my head over and over again to try and ease the paranoid overreaction that always comes up during a visit with my mom.
My first step has been to walk away when she is here, doing my best to find other things to do in the house so that Mom can visit with Mazzy without me interfering or 'ruining' their visit with my influence. Unfortunately there are only so many things I can do around the house and not be aware of what is going on in the other room.
I have also managed to let several things drop that bug me about the way that my mom interacts with Mazzy. Mom isn't a bad woman, or anything, but she does things differently from how I would do things and while I feel it is important for the two of them to find a bonding ritual that works for them, I want to correct her, or give her suggestions that might put Mazzy in a better mood. Not keeping my mouth shut is probably the hardest part of the visits. I am very vocal and Mom has a way of pushing buttons.
Inevitably, I fail. Before Mom is able to get out the door, I have lost my temper about something and Mom gets her feelings hurt. It just seems so unavoidable.
I can't seem to resist the urge to explain my daughter, or prod my mother in to trying something that might actually work. I can't seem to take a step back and let Mom try whatever she wants because I am (irrationally) terrified that she is going to mess Mazzy up forever.
I have to wonder if all of this is normal, or if I am going to need a few more years of therapy to get to a healthy place with my mom. Will the tension between me and my mother affect the way that Mazzy views her Nona? Will I have enough sense to leave my daughter alone, unless she asks for help, when she is a first-time mother?
In the meantime I feel like a complete failure. I can only hope that I am able to find a balance, and soon.
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