I want to behave like a drunk toddler
I would like to start off by saying that I still feel shell-shocked. I feel like a refugee from some made-up personal war that I had no business fighting in the first place, but Fate drafted me and I went and did my best, but I SAW THINGS, came home and lost my shit. I just don’t want that to be the story of my life.
In an effort to reclaim my life I made, and executed, plans on Sunday. I met Val and we sipped coffee outside my job, swapping stories and healing each other. It was one part socializing, one part networking with co-workers and one part grief counseling. Val mentioned that her favorite memory of Mazzy was the day that Maz was sitting on the kitchen floor, taunting me by threatening to suck on her toes. Now, of course, that is all I can think about. I marvel at what an amazing fit my daughter was in our lives. She wasn’t even a year old, yet, and she knew that toes grossed me out and that intentionally putting her feet in her mouth would freak me out, causing me to say things like, “Gross! EW! Stop. Ugh, Mazzy, you are so gross” but in that Mom-like way when you KNOW that what you are doing is Hilarious, so you keep doing it until you are both busting a gut. And she would laugh. Mazzy was so proud of herself that day. I nearly peed myself from laughter. It was definitely one my Top Five Favorite Moments while I was Mazzy’s mother. It was one of the ways I was able to know that Mazzy was going to fit in our family forever because she was funny.
Anyway, Monday was spent on the couch talking with my pregnant sister-in-law, Samantha. She will be finding out the sex of her baby next week. I am excited for her. She is handling her little surprise rather maturely. I just hope that she keeps her head on straight.
Monday evening was the second meeting of my little writing group. It was fun to read the two stories and see where we both took the same story prompt. I do find Charlotte’s style a bit intimidating, because she turned in a far more polished version than I did. Her story was well-constructed and she used all the good words. Despite being entertaining, because, duh, I wrote it, my story did come off as much lighter reading. Even though I was a bit down after the group, I have determined that I would like to keep working on the piece, cleaning it up and elaborating more fully. Now, if I could just allow myself to actually work on it before too many days pass.
As usual, there has been some drama in the family, but you will be surprised to learn that I have actually said, “No” to people. I deserve a cookie. I do learn, though, so they should have seen that I was going to stop being everyone’s savior.
I would like to start getting out more, but I have been too tired to do anything after seven in the evening. I am hoping that changes, soon, as I become more positive about my role in the whole process of moving forward.
In an effort to reclaim my life I made, and executed, plans on Sunday. I met Val and we sipped coffee outside my job, swapping stories and healing each other. It was one part socializing, one part networking with co-workers and one part grief counseling. Val mentioned that her favorite memory of Mazzy was the day that Maz was sitting on the kitchen floor, taunting me by threatening to suck on her toes. Now, of course, that is all I can think about. I marvel at what an amazing fit my daughter was in our lives. She wasn’t even a year old, yet, and she knew that toes grossed me out and that intentionally putting her feet in her mouth would freak me out, causing me to say things like, “Gross! EW! Stop. Ugh, Mazzy, you are so gross” but in that Mom-like way when you KNOW that what you are doing is Hilarious, so you keep doing it until you are both busting a gut. And she would laugh. Mazzy was so proud of herself that day. I nearly peed myself from laughter. It was definitely one my Top Five Favorite Moments while I was Mazzy’s mother. It was one of the ways I was able to know that Mazzy was going to fit in our family forever because she was funny.
Anyway, Monday was spent on the couch talking with my pregnant sister-in-law, Samantha. She will be finding out the sex of her baby next week. I am excited for her. She is handling her little surprise rather maturely. I just hope that she keeps her head on straight.
Monday evening was the second meeting of my little writing group. It was fun to read the two stories and see where we both took the same story prompt. I do find Charlotte’s style a bit intimidating, because she turned in a far more polished version than I did. Her story was well-constructed and she used all the good words. Despite being entertaining, because, duh, I wrote it, my story did come off as much lighter reading. Even though I was a bit down after the group, I have determined that I would like to keep working on the piece, cleaning it up and elaborating more fully. Now, if I could just allow myself to actually work on it before too many days pass.
As usual, there has been some drama in the family, but you will be surprised to learn that I have actually said, “No” to people. I deserve a cookie. I do learn, though, so they should have seen that I was going to stop being everyone’s savior.
I would like to start getting out more, but I have been too tired to do anything after seven in the evening. I am hoping that changes, soon, as I become more positive about my role in the whole process of moving forward.
Comments
I can't even imagine everything you are going through,to lose your precious daughter...but today you sound encouraged about the future and learning to say NO-and that is a good thing...Mazzy would be so proud of her MOM.
She's smiling down on you today!