It isn't any better

I want to update with something good. I want to talk about positive things and positive experiences, but life is seriously lacking in that right now. My coffee mines job is in the news constantly. I feel like a rat on a sinking ship, only I am disoriented and I don’t know how to follow the crowd off of the swiftly flooding monstrosity. I am overwhelmed with the possibility of being jobless. As dumb as the job is, it is the only thing keeping me out of the house and away from the opportunity to turn in to a complete baby-missing whack-job on the verge of losing everything. I need to get up every day. I need to leave five days a week.

Adam and I went to the movies, but the movie we saw made me afraid to leave the country, ever, so there goes any plans of traveling. I will have to take some time to get away from the fear of being snatched and sold.

Unfortunately mourning Mazzy is harder. Or easier? I am not sure how to phrase that. I find it so very easy to miss her. It just hurts more.

I had an incident during lunch last week that really sent home how very little I have healed. A little boy, about fifteen months old, decided he liked me. He really liked me. There was a whole thing where he was crying to be picked up. By me. And I tried and tried to talk to him and play with him without picking him up. I felt like a heel, so I gave in. I have never been mean to a child just because I was having a bad day.

It was a mistake.

I quickly put him down and ran inside the store. I sat in the back, crying. Like an idiot. I ended up sobbing like I was losing Mazzy all over again.

So, now I know that while I can talk to kids, and appreciate them, I can’t touch them. I can’t. It just hurts too much. It just really threw me. I thought that I was okay. I have been really good.

Ideally I would like to move forward in a positive way. I would like to stop talking about this. I would like that other things were happening and they were distracting me, so that I could stop burdening other people with my crap.

I can’t even focus on creative pursuits. Everything is just so sad.

I want a practical guide to how to live once your child dies. Everything is so emotional. I have that covered. I need a day-to-day survival guide once your goals are destroyed.