Almost birthday ramblings
I started this entry a while ago, but couldn't form complete sentences, let alone follow my own train of thought, due to hunger, so I foraged for food. I'm scarfing down leftover spaghetti.
The last two days it has rained; the good kind of rain that feeds plants and looks pretty as the clouds form just past your house. Nora and I walked to the mailbox this morning and I pointed to the dark grey formations just past our neighborhood, talking up the coming storm. I want to instill a love of thunder in my little girl so that, when she's older, we can huddle under an awning and watch the rain fall while sipping hot tea.
I'm thirty-four today, but I'll be thirty-five tomorrow. It's going to be the first year that I have zero anticipation for what the day will hold. Zero excitement. In the past I've made demands and centered the focus on me in celebration of The Day I Was Born! This year? I don't feel significant.
But, there's a peace in it. For the first time in ages I won't have my heart broken because my magical day falls short of magical. I'm going to mop the floors. There's magic in that, right? Mmm....clean floors. It's the gift that keeps on giving!
I have been giving the next year a lot of thought. What am I going to do with this next year? For the first time in, like, six years, I'm not going to be focused on baby things (for myself). I won't be trying to have a baby, be pregnant, or rearing a baby. I will not be limited by ovulation schedules, breastfeeding schedules, or being pigeon-holed into being the primary caregiver all of the time to Nora. She's old enough that I can take more time to myself, if I can make myself do it and Adam agrees to watch her. Ha.
So who am I when I'm not trying to make babies all of the time? Will I actually put my focus into something more useful for myself? Can I be brave enough to do something risky, like put myself first and damn the consequences?
Probably not.
There's change in the air. Fall is coming and I know that as Adam finds his hidey-hole, emotionally speaking, for the winter, I will be left to my own devices far more often. I'm looking forward to it.
Of course, there is the fear that this is just another bit of talk and I will flounder and this time next year I'll be bemoaning my complete and utter failure. That's life, though, and I'm going to have to embrace it.
The last two days it has rained; the good kind of rain that feeds plants and looks pretty as the clouds form just past your house. Nora and I walked to the mailbox this morning and I pointed to the dark grey formations just past our neighborhood, talking up the coming storm. I want to instill a love of thunder in my little girl so that, when she's older, we can huddle under an awning and watch the rain fall while sipping hot tea.
I'm thirty-four today, but I'll be thirty-five tomorrow. It's going to be the first year that I have zero anticipation for what the day will hold. Zero excitement. In the past I've made demands and centered the focus on me in celebration of The Day I Was Born! This year? I don't feel significant.
But, there's a peace in it. For the first time in ages I won't have my heart broken because my magical day falls short of magical. I'm going to mop the floors. There's magic in that, right? Mmm....clean floors. It's the gift that keeps on giving!
I have been giving the next year a lot of thought. What am I going to do with this next year? For the first time in, like, six years, I'm not going to be focused on baby things (for myself). I won't be trying to have a baby, be pregnant, or rearing a baby. I will not be limited by ovulation schedules, breastfeeding schedules, or being pigeon-holed into being the primary caregiver all of the time to Nora. She's old enough that I can take more time to myself, if I can make myself do it and Adam agrees to watch her. Ha.
So who am I when I'm not trying to make babies all of the time? Will I actually put my focus into something more useful for myself? Can I be brave enough to do something risky, like put myself first and damn the consequences?
Probably not.
There's change in the air. Fall is coming and I know that as Adam finds his hidey-hole, emotionally speaking, for the winter, I will be left to my own devices far more often. I'm looking forward to it.
Of course, there is the fear that this is just another bit of talk and I will flounder and this time next year I'll be bemoaning my complete and utter failure. That's life, though, and I'm going to have to embrace it.
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